A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his реnis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shiт.”
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your вrеаsтs.”
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a вrа.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my тiт in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said. “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down….My воов was in a vice….
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my сhin,
And my poor тiт was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless тiт……
“Take a deep breath” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
“There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
I’d like to get his ваlls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!
Four mothers: German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn’t know which baby is which.
So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. “That’s mine,” says the Italian mother and picks it up.
Next, the German mother walks up and says, “Heil Нiтlеr.” Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nаzi salute and the German mother picks it up.
Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn’t say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
“Hold on,” says the French mother, “how can you be so sure that it’s your baby. For all I know, it might be mine.”
“It is mine,” says the Russian mother, “When the German mother said ‘Heil Нiтlеr’, my baby made an angry face, and yours shat itself.