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Jennifer Lawrence has said that anyone who looked at her photos should cower with shame.
I actually looked at her pictures in the shower and came.

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I tried to watch some old videos of Angelina Jolie with her тiтs out on You Tube.
But they’d been removed.

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You’ve got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.
He’s been to every single Justin Bieber concert.

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I watched 'Titanic,' too. I liked everything about it except the end of it -- didn't like the end of that movie at all because at the end of it, Leonardo tried to get the girl up on that little piece of board. He can't get on the board. He falls off, and he puts her on the board. And then he just sits there and floats in the water and don't say nothin' to her except, 'I love you.' I would have been like, 'B-b-b-вiтсh, it's your turn to get in this cold-аss water. I'm freezing!'

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I think it's really cool that there's a handicapped toy on the market, you know? Ironically, Becky's wheelchair does not fit through any of the doorways of any of Barbie's dream houses.

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RIP Joan Rivers. She was 80 years old. Her nose was 31, and her lips sadly were only 22. So young!

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I read in a woman’s magazine that the perfect husband is “wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button”.
I hate these distorted standards for men, how’s a regular guy like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

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If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called “what direction”

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My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview.
“Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh.” I comforted. “Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?”
“What?”
“That’s right.”

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I went to see that slasher movie, Scream 2, last night.
It is a good movie, but the guy in back of me ruined the film.
This guy is going, “Oh, that’s not real!! That’s not how you do it!! Gimme a break!! You don’t hold the knife that way!!
I turned around and said, “Look, O. J. will you shut up, please?”

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David Beckham has joked that when he is in bed with Victoria she always teases him for having such a small соск, but his teammates in the shower after football always compliment him on how massive it is.
Well, that’s the difference an еrестiоn makes…

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I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

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Since Kim and Kanye named their child North West, I will honor them in naming my child South East.

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For those of you over the age of 25, 'Рiмр My Ride' is a show where they take people with bad cars like mine and they give them all this stuff that they don't need. Like, if I went on that show, I'd have very simple instructions. I'd be like, 'Hey, I don't need a hot tub or a water slide or a popcorn maker or an ice machine or a place to perform surgery in my Cutlass. Fix my reverse.'

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It’s sad when you think about it, Stephen Hawking is the closest thing we have to the terminator.

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I see The Child Catcher from ‘Chitty-chitty ваng , ваng’ has got a spin-off mini series of his own;
Oh sorry, my bad, I’m actually watching news footage of Маdоnnа visiting an orphanage in Malawi….
==

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I like the real fights, like channel 291, 3:30 in the morning, and it's live -- just some guys beating the tar out of each other. I love those because you can tell they have something at stake. They have, like, rent due tomorrow.

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Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody’s seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick.

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