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I think it's really cool that there's a handicapped toy on the market, you know? Ironically, Becky's wheelchair does not fit through any of the doorways of any of Barbie's dream houses.

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RIP Joan Rivers. She was 80 years old. Her nose was 31, and her lips sadly were only 22. So young!

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I read in a woman’s magazine that the perfect husband is “wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button”.
I hate these distorted standards for men, how’s a regular guy like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

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My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview.
“Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh.” I comforted. “Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?”
“What?”
“That’s right.”

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I went to see that slasher movie, Scream 2, last night.
It is a good movie, but the guy in back of me ruined the film.
This guy is going, “Oh, that’s not real!! That’s not how you do it!! Gimme a break!! You don’t hold the knife that way!!
I turned around and said, “Look, O. J. will you shut up, please?”

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David Beckham has joked that when he is in bed with Victoria she always teases him for having such a small соск, but his teammates in the shower after football always compliment him on how massive it is.
Well, that’s the difference an еrестiоn makes…

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I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

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There were five people on a plane. Malcolm Turnbal, a skater boy, an elderly man, a little school girl and Hilary Clinton. The plane was about to crash and there was only four parachutes.
Malcolm Turnbal said,
"I am about to be the president, so i need a parachute".
The skater boy said,
"I have a long life ahead of me, so i need one too".
Malcolm and the skater both grab one and jump out.
Hilary Clinton said,
" I am also running for president, so i also need one". Grabs one and jumps out.
The elderly man turns to the little girl and says,
" I have lived my life. You haven't, so you take the last one".
The little girl shook her head. "No sir. We can both go. Malcolm Turnbal stole my school bag".

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Since Kim and Kanye named their child North West, I will honor them in naming my child South East.

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For those of you over the age of 25, 'Рiмр My Ride' is a show where they take people with bad cars like mine and they give them all this stuff that they don't need. Like, if I went on that show, I'd have very simple instructions. I'd be like, 'Hey, I don't need a hot tub or a water slide or a popcorn maker or an ice machine or a place to perform surgery in my Cutlass. Fix my reverse.'

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It’s sad when you think about it, Stephen Hawking is the closest thing we have to the terminator.

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I see The Child Catcher from ‘Chitty-chitty ваng , ваng’ has got a spin-off mini series of his own;
Oh sorry, my bad, I’m actually watching news footage of Маdоnnа visiting an orphanage in Malawi….
==

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Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody’s seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick.

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Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has lots of enemies like John Cena or Batista. His arch nemesis were Paper and Scissor.

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Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

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People in North Korea who have the same name as Kim Jong Un are being ordered to change their name. Now everyone has the choice of either Khloe or Kourtney Jong Un. That’s your choice.

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Someone has to tell Маdоnnа that Africans aren't Pokemon, she can't catch 'em all.

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Paul Ross has admitted fсuкing a man for a year, suскing drugs off his face and dоgging in a car park near his home.
When asked what he was most embarrassed about, the married father of four said, “I still work for the BBC.”

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