School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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The first of September, first lesson. Teacher:
"Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand."
Little Johnny immediately raises his hand.
"You want to ask something?"
"No. Just checking how the system works."

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I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already

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One day a teacher asked the class, "What is the difference between a bird and a fly?"
A student then replied, "A bird can fly but a fly cannot bird."

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Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

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Teacher: And therefore, sреrм cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sреrм has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

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Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.

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Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.

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The art teacher instructed her students to do a self portrait.
When Andrew handed his picture in, the teacher took one look at it and said, "But, Andrew,this isn’t you."
"That’s right," replied Andrew.
"It’s a self portrait of someone else."

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Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my вuтт, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DАМN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's вuтт before the day was over!"

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One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

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Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest тiтs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

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Ok, so there this girl sleeping in religion class
The teaches asks the class "who is our lord and savior?"
The boy behind the girl pokes her with a pen and she screams jesus сhrisт!
The teacher says "good, now who created the earth in seven days?"
The boy pokes the girl again, she lest "oh my god!"
The teacher says "good, now what did Eve say to Adam after their 11 child?
The boy pokes the girl one more time and the girl yells "if you poke me with that ting one more time im going to break it off!"

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There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shiт if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a viвrатоr. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuск herself."

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A college economics professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his student.
"And who is known as the father of modern economics?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Wilson, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied.
"I never pay attention anyway!"

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I got in trouble during high school for маsтurватing in the showers.
Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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A school in the United States is on fire.
One fireman is throwing the kids through the window, while the other one is standing on the ground and catching them.
After half of an hour the upper fireman asks:
Hey man, why aren't you catching black kids?
Oh dамn, I thought these were the burnt ones.

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Two gаy men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sреrм and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his аss.''

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