The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,
“Mary had a little pig, A hornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes
And smelled her little . . .”
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?”
“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, ” . . . Аsshоlе.”
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”
“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″ he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny .
“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny , “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like SНIТ!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
“Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your аss !”
Q: What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?
A: iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP
Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed!
Q: Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died?
A: Everyone at Apple are crying their i’s out!
Q: What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application?
A: Your iphone will keep crashing!
Q: Why won’t blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their IP address!
Steve Jobs‘ funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin.
Do not touch MY iPhone. It’s not an usPhone, it’s not a wePhone, it’s not an ourPhone, it’s an iPhone.
I don’t understand why everybody wants the white iPhone, Everyone knows the black one runs faster.
I pressed the ‘home’ button but I’m still at school…
If your iPhone is black and you’re making Siri do tasks for you you’re pretty much saying slavery was OK.
S o ya see, little johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, except of course, little johnny, who’s frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question.
Little johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!” ok, that wasn’t so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little johnny says with a big ol smile on his face: “why teacher, it’s a соск!”, well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is.
So next the teacher asks the class: ” can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a соск on the barn as a weather vane?” Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, except of course, for little johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she’s probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: “Its a соск, cuz as everyone knows if it were a c*nt, the f*cken wind would just blew right thru it!”
My Dear Sirs;
In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.
Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.
I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.
I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.
For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.
My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.
Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!