School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.” The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the веll rang for the end of class he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A

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How the teacher laughed when I told him I wanted to be a cardiologist when I grew up.
He won’t be laughing now when he opens his chicken nuggets to find there’s no dip in with them.

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A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write"
The administrator said,
"Yes we can"! Just fill out this form."

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When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,
Eventually asking me, “Where can he be?”
- ” Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots” I suggested
“That’s a good idea” she replied
“And peas, onions and gravy” I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

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I wish I went to boarding school as a kid…
Would love to be able to surf.

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The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said,
"I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, a little girl said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

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Our closest enemy is Castro. Anybody scared of Castro? Nah. It's like рissing off the slow kid in school.

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A human fаrт can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.

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Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

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My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll call and he never heard his name.
"Why didn’t anyone tell me my name was William?!" he complained.

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A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said Tommy.
"No," said Billy, "he’s just for good luck."
Peter brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps ваnging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing on my bagpipes."

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We live in a culture where a рrоsтiтuте on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

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I’m getting pretty nervous about my maths exam.
I think I’ve got a 40:40% chance of passing.

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about рussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a рussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a рussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a рussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vаginа and says "Son, this is a рussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"
The dad replies,
"That's everything outside the circle!"

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Schools have come under pressure recently as large numbers of students have been getting bad exam results. On the plus side pregnancy test results are at an all-time high.

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My son came home from school looking all excited.
“I got a B on my reading test,” he told me.
“That’s a fuскing D,” I replied.

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