School Jokes

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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.

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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Viвrатоr, Miss.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats fсuкing batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

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"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand as says,
“A congressman.”
The teacher asked why and Little Johnny replied,
"Because they spend most of their time at recess."

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A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it. The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached. The note read, “Here's your $40 change.”

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English:
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
French:
Toto est à l’école et demande s’il peut aller au salle de bain. La maîtresse dit non.
Puis, elle demande à Toto, “Où est le plus grand riviere du monde ?”
“Sous mon banc,” il répond.

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The cruel kids at school used to call me four eyes.
Still, quite a creative nickname seeing as I- I- I- I have a stutter..

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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

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What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?
"I'll be Bach."

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My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.

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"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

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I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said, “Apparently, he said the ‘c’ word.”
She said, “Well that wasn’t clever was it?”
I replied, “No… It was ‘c*nt’.”

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The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
“Give four advantages of вrеаsт milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.
So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies:
“Well, before sеx I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer”.
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sеx. So, he quickly undresses and starts ваnging his diск against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
“Is that you, André?”.

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Teach a man to fish, and he’ll be able to eat for a lifetime. … …
….
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he’ll become a prince.

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People think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o'clock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o'clock. You'll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

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My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.
I said, “yeah it’s pretty straightforward.”

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Teacher says to class, “OK class, today we’re going to be talking about the tenses.
Now if I say I’m beautiful, which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “Obviously it is the past tense Miss.”

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