School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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My brother spent all of the “fun money” our parents had allotted halfway through his first semester at college.
He sent this text to our dad: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
Our dad replied with: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

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Half of the people that post on this website need to go back to school and learn how to f*cking spell ... "Yo Сunт Touch Dis ... Stop, Grammar Time" ... Kickass if you agree

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If all your problems are behind you...
Then you might be a school bus driver!

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You ever see your little son in school? You don't even want to pick him up. I'm like, 'Oh hеll no, this is not my child.'

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The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says:
“Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says:
“Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door:
“Maybe an elephant!”

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A couple’s only daughter had just graduated from law school. Her parents were very surprised to find out she had recently become engaged to a man they had never met. The daughter also announced that she’d be bringing her fiancee over to meet them that evening.
The moment the parents opened front door to greet them the warm welcoming smiles on faces of both parents completely vanished. Their open happy expressions were instantly replaced by a look not far from shock.
The young man in their doorway had an athletic build, chiseled features with a picture perfect bright smile! He was wearing a silk tie a tailored suite along with expensive Italian shoes. He didn’t have one hair out of place on his head and when he spoke his deep confident voice was absolutely mesmerizing. His charismatic presence seemed to command respect and admiration though his demeanor was open and friendly.
By this time both of the parents were visibly shaken making this quite an awkward moment for all concerned. Silently wincing the mother almost broke out in tears as she shook the young mans firm yet warm gentle hand.
Only able to make partial eye contact and with a slight tremble in his voice the father hesitantly asked the young man what he did for a living. The young man replied: I’m a used car salesman!
A huge sigh of relief came over both parents as they instantly resurrected their welcoming smiles once again. The father said we’re so happy to hear that son, for a moment there we thought you might be a politician.

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whоrеhоusе. Sometimes it says pretty vulgаr stuff. “The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, “New house, new madam. “The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad. A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whоrеs. “The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whоrеs, Hi George! “

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I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an оrgаsм.
I rest my case.

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says,
"My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100."
The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200."
The third boy says,
"I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

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A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said:
"You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?"
The man thought, and said back:
"Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!"
His wife told the cop:
"Don't listen to him, he's a sмаrтаss when he's drunк".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out:
"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?"
A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said:
"Are we at the border yet?"

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A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother sighed deeply, “Oh, Ozzie, you’ve been in another fight.”
“But, Mom,” sniffled Ozzie, “I was just keeping a little boy from being beaten up by a вiggеr boy.”
‘Well,” said Mom, “that was brave. Who was the little boy?”
“Me, Mommy.”

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Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.
Moe: What did you do?
Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

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The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said,
"Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

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Our professor was great, man, because he would say, 'In Zen, the beauty is in the contradiction. You try by not trying. You succeed by not succeeding.' So, I took the final exam by not going. Of course, I failed by not passing, too.

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Son:Mum i got suspended today
Mum: Why?!!
Son: It was pajama day at school today
Mum: So?!?!
Son: I sleep naked

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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

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