School Jokes

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A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,
“Mom, what’s sеx?”
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said.
“Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Little boy gets home from school early and walks into the lounge room and hears his mum and dad making strange noises and he see's his mum and dad doing something on the couch
Little boy: mum, dad what where you doing last night?
Mum and Dad: baking a Cake
Little boy: okay but next time I want chocolate frosting not vanilla

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Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect.”
“Great” said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, “my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife.” Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said:
“My Mommy, she is a substitute.”
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Рrоsтiтuте?”
“No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Рrоsтiтuте, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes.”

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Johnny was at school and the teacher said,
"Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said,
"Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said,
"No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said,
"My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said,
"Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her воовs are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Raphael is in biology class. Each student is dissecting a cockroach. He cuts off one leg, and says, “walk,” …
It walks. …
…
He cuts off the 2nd and 3rd legs and says, “walk,” …
It walks. …
He cuts off all the remaining legs and says, “walk….”
The cockroach doesn’t move.
Finally, Raphael writes his conclusion……
“After all the legs of a cockroach are cut off - it becomes deaf.”

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Emailing professors be like:
*polite greeting
*multiple paragraphs
*perfect grammar
Professor's reply:
"Sure."
- Sent from my iPhone

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The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"

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L ittle Willie had a gambling problem. He’d bet on anything. One day, Willie’s father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. “Mr. Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We’ll trap him into a big wager that he’ll lose.”
Willie’s father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, “Willie, I want you to remain after class.”
When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, ” Don’t say it, Miss Brown; I know what you’re going to say, but you’re a liar!”
“Willie!” the startled teacher said.” What are you talking about.”
“Your a fake!” Willie continued.”How can I believe anything you tell me? You’ve got this blond hair on top, but I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch black!”
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, “Willie that isn’t true.”
“I’ll bet a dollar it is !” Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson.”Make it five dollars and you have a bet,” she said.
“You’re on!” Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her раnтiеs, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her рuвiс hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. “You win,” he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn’t wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. “Mr. Gaines,” she said, “I think we’ve finally taught him his lesson.”
“The hеll we have,” the father muttered. “This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he’d see your рussy before the day was over.

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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.

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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Viвrатоr, Miss.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats fсuкing batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said,
"Are you kidding?" The student said,
"No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

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A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it. The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached. The note read, “Here's your $40 change.”

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English:
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
French:
Toto est à l’école et demande s’il peut aller au salle de bain. La maîtresse dit non.
Puis, elle demande à Toto, “Où est le plus grand riviere du monde ?”
“Sous mon banc,” il répond.

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The cruel kids at school used to call me four eyes.
Still, quite a creative nickname seeing as I- I- I- I have a stutter..

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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

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What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?
"I'll be Bach."

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My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.

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