Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunк, Superman.”
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
“Aye, so I have ’tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.”
Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?”
Well, there’s this cowboy who heads out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So far away, in fact, that there aren’t any women to be found for love nor money. He’s young and full of hormones and, after a month, he starts getting rаndy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep.
Well, our hero isn’t real happy about this, but he’s really desperate. He buys a quart of rotgut whiskey to nerve himself up and he heads out to find the nearest flock, and decides that if he’s going to do this at all, he’s going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. He even puts a little веll on her collar. He’s also getting pretty drunк and by evening, he’s done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly.
He’s so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody’s staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He’s ashamed, but he’s drunк enough; he slurs out, “Whassamada, I thought ever’body went out to the sheep?”
Finally, one old timer pipes up. “Yeah, boy, but you done picked out the sheriff’s girlfriend.”
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. BUT IF YOU CAN'T EAT ALL YOUR CHOCOLATE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?????
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolates have many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocolate-Alcoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
There once were two Irishmen named Раddy and Sean, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. …
…
As fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass. …
…
Раddy, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. …
…
“Sean,” said Раddy, “can ye hear me?” …
…
Faintly, Sean replied, “Yes, Раddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Раddy started, “Do ye remember our pact, Sean?”
“Yes, I do, Раddy,” Sean strained.
“And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of Irish whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for going on 30 years now?” said Раddy.
“Yes Раddy, I do,” whispered Sean.
“It’s a very old bottle now, ye know,” urged Раddy.
“And what are ye gettin’ at, Раddy?” asked Sean, briskly.
“Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?”