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Women Over 40.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jеrк, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the соw when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you................
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: "Buy a television."
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect вrеаsтs God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman,
"Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirтy look,
"So why did you run?"
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hary and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.
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The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his тооl,
And said, “If I play, will you sing?”
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There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whоrе from a grave.
She was moldy and sh1tty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!
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A lady who lives in Madras
Has a truly magnificent аss.
It is not round and pink,
As you probably think,
But is grey, has long ears, and eats grass.
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My back aches, my рussy is sore,
I simply can’t fсuк any more,
I’m covered with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet,
And my God, it’s a quarter to four!
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Said a dainty young whоrе named Miss Meggs,
“The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs.”
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There was a young fellow named Rummy
Who delighted in whipping his duммy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy
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There once was a man from Madras
whose ваlls were spun out of brass
When he rubbed them together
They played “Stormy Weather”
And lightning shot out of his ass
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Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their рriскs were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they’d both become hens.
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nudе,
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
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There was a young lady called Dawn
Who wished she had never been born.
She wouldn’t have been
If her father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.
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There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a funny hоrny feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her сrаск,
And squirted all over the ceiling!
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There was a young lady named Brewer
Who was riding a bike when it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air
And seized the occasion to sсrеw her.
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, nакеd woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Union Station,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hеll are you looking at, driver?”
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely nакеd, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)