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A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sеx there and then.
God, I love my new Taser.
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“There’s a spider in the bedroom,” screamed my wife, “Get it out Dave! Please get it out!”
“I don’t know why they turn you on so much,” I said, unzipping my jeans.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”
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Last christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I’m in bed,
But I got bored with my seargents and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, “What are they then?”
She said, “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings”.
I said, “Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt”.
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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their вrеаsтs.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
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I’ve just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:
“Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there’ll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you’ve finished, come into the bedroom and I’ll suск you dry ;)”
Fcuk that, it’ll take ages. I’ll just use a towel.
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My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42.
She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!”
I said, “I am if you think about it.”
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New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fат to see their own реnis.
That’s quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fат women never see one either.
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.
“Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.”
“Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue.
I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than suскing соск and being fcuked up the аss.”
“Me too!” I replied.
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After hot passionate sеx last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said “You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”
Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…
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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”
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This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”
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Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
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A young Bolivian wants to have a proper fсuк for the first time in his life. The problem is, his реnis is so huge that when women see it they run a mile and even the local whоrеs are terrified. In desperation, he asks a friend for advice.
“Well,” says his friend, “maybe it’s just a legend, but I’ve heard there’s a Gaucho Whоrе in Argentina who can handle any size of diск …”
So the Bolivian heads for Argentina and finds the legendary Gaucho Whоrе in a slеаzy suburb of Buenos Aires. She takes a look at his enormous diск and says, dryly, “No problem. I can handle that.”
The Bolivian starts shаgging away, taking her from every imaginable position and angle, ecstatically happy that he’s finally getting a decent fсuк.
Suddenly the Gaucho Whоrе says, “What? Is that it? I can’t feel anything. Go on, stick it in and get started for god’s sake!”
The young Bolivian needs to work hard now, starts sweating, unwilling to accept what the whоrе is saying. After a while, he decides to stick his foot in.
“Are you taking the рiss, sonny?” says the Gaucho Whоrе. “Either you want to fсuк or you can fсuк off right now!”
The Bolivian gets a bit annoyed at this and pulls his foot out again, but notices his shoe is missing, so he sticks his hand in to look for it.
He searches and searches, getting more and more desperate. Finally he sticks his arm in, then even his head, but he can’t see much in the dark … except suddenly he can make out a man in cowboy boots sitting at a table pouring whisky into a glass and smoking a cigar.
“What the fсuк are you doing here?” says the Bolivian. ” I seem to have lost my shoe. Have you seen it by any chance?”
“Your shoe? Sorry, no,” says the cowboy. “Actually, I’m looking for something myself. Seen a horse by any chance?”