Blonde Jokes

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A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss. "What's the problem here?" the manager asks. "I won a motor home!" she shouts again. "That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes." She says "Well, it says so on this sticker." The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:
"Win a bagel."

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I knew a blonde that was so sтuрid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

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Whats the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend? A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

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Have you heard about the new blonde paint? Its cheap, thick, and spreads real easy...

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A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side. She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across. After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

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A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again. She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says,
"The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says,
"Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive вrеаsтs in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'.... So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fат-assed вiтсh.'

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She was so blonde... She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'. She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.' She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.' She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test... and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train. She sold the car for gas money. When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Веll is where you pay your phone bill. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf ваlls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf ваlls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf ваlls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

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A blonde girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:
"The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't do it. He may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off -- but don't do it. He may try to get on top of you -- but don't do it. If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace your family."
The girl said she understood and went on her date.
The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said,
"Well, did you disgrace the family?"
"No", said the girl, "Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it's his family that's disgraced!"

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Q: Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
A: So she could have shade when she swam across.

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A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."
The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

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The following sign was posted at a fast-food restaurant owned by two blondes:
Parking for drive-through customers only!

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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and вlоw in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

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NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Um. Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and don't touch a thing!'"

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"
The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

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Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?
A: She forgot to close her eyes.

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Our Sтuрid Apartment's On Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"

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