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Christmas Jokes

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It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn’t real.
I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, “It’s actually our parents who do it!”
My daughter said, “But I can’t believe dad would do that?!”
Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike:
“It’s not dad, it can’t be. Mum’s the only one fат enough, with a beard.”
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How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December
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This woman is walking past a brothel, when she notices a sign which reads
Celebrity Sex
Wayne Rooney $500 per night
Babe Ruth $700 per night
Father Christmas $2000 per night
So she goes in to enquire about the price list, the manager tells her that the reason Wayne Rooney is so cheap is because he ‘dribbles before he shoots’,and the reason that Ваве Ruth is cheap is because ‘once he’s in , you can’t get him out’ ,
Then she asks ” why is Father Christmas so expensive?”, and the manager says ” well , he only comes once a year , but he’ll fill your fсuкing stockings”
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What do you call a shark who attacks someone on Christmas day?
Santa jaws!
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Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
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At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.
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For christmas a little boy asked Santa "Please can you send me a sister?" So Santa answers "Okay just send me your mum!"
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I just saw The Nightmare Before Christmas.
A Taxi with my Mother-in-Law in it just pulled up outside.
==
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Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
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“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.
“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк.
I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, “Google Glasses!”
I said, “OK, and I know what fсuкing glasses are.”
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I’ve just taken my clock down and wrapped it for a Christmas present for my wife.
I asked her what she wanted this year and she said something off the wall.
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Not sure if I’ve offended my Muslim neighbors this year with all my Christmas decorations so I’ve decided to write ‘Allah is a сunт’ on my garage door just to make sure.
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How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.
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Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
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There’s no pleasing my miserable сunт of a wife.
I work as a Lifeguard, and last night I took her to our work’s Christmas dinner.
All she did was complain that her seat was too high, and she couldn’t reach the table.
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Kid: I want a dragon for christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.
Santa: What color dragon do you want?
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