Christmas Jokes

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“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.
“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied

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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк.
I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

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I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, “Google Glasses!”
I said, “OK, and I know what fсuкing glasses are.”

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I’ve just taken my clock down and wrapped it for a Christmas present for my wife.
I asked her what she wanted this year and she said something off the wall.

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Not sure if I’ve offended my Muslim neighbors this year with all my Christmas decorations so I’ve decided to write ‘Allah is a сunт’ on my garage door just to make sure.

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How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.

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Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

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There’s no pleasing my miserable сunт of a wife.
I work as a Lifeguard, and last night I took her to our work’s Christmas dinner.
All she did was complain that her seat was too high, and she couldn’t reach the table.

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Kid: I want a dragon for christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.
Santa: What color dragon do you want?

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I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.

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This year I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
Not because I like snow but because I’m racist.

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I think Christmas must be near,
The bin man said good morning to me.

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I’m getting dressed up for a LGBT Christmas party tonight…
“Don we now our gаy apparel, fa la la la la la …”

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I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

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I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot-the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

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I went to my father. I said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?'
'Buy? I'll make you some dамn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap аss didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.

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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas. … …
…
Now I’m freaking stuck taking care of a puppy.

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Now that's an extreme religion: Amish. Oh my God, it's against their religion -- it's a sin for them -- to ride in a car. Then I heard an Amish guy got hit and killed by a car. Isn't that ironic? That would be like a Jewish person being electrocuted by some Christmas lights or a Catholic choking on a соndом -- just ironic.

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