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Christmas Jokes

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At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.
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For christmas a little boy asked Santa "Please can you send me a sister?" So Santa answers "Okay just send me your mum!"
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I just saw The Nightmare Before Christmas.
A Taxi with my Mother-in-Law in it just pulled up outside.
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“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.
“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк.
I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, “Google Glasses!”
I said, “OK, and I know what fсuкing glasses are.”
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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of аnаl and оrаl sеx next year…
It came from Big Reggie in Cell Block D.
I fuскing hate prison.
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I’ve just taken my clock down and wrapped it for a Christmas present for my wife.
I asked her what she wanted this year and she said something off the wall.
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Not sure if I’ve offended my Muslim neighbors this year with all my Christmas decorations so I’ve decided to write ‘Allah is a сunт’ on my garage door just to make sure.
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How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.
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Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
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There’s no pleasing my miserable сunт of a wife.
I work as a Lifeguard, and last night I took her to our work’s Christmas dinner.
All she did was complain that her seat was too high, and she couldn’t reach the table.
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I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.
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This year I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
Not because I like snow but because I’m racist.
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I think Christmas must be near,
The bin man said good morning to me.
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Yesterday is History
Tomorrow a Mystery
Today is a Gift That’s why it’s called the Present
You know your family is poor as fuск when all you get for Christmas is a metaphor
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I’m getting dressed up for a LGBT Christmas party tonight…
“Don we now our gаy apparel, fa la la la la la …”
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I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
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