Easter Jokes

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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters II
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
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The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
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Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have ваlls to scratch.
Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves
Q: What did the banana say to the viвrатоr?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A:The grass tickles their balls
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her вrеаsтs that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fсuкing the chickens!
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his аss.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the вrеаsт and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a веnт diск?
A: FUСКS FUNNY
Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ……….. a sh1t (think about it)
Q: Why is being in the military like a вlоw-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: What is a vаginа?
A: The box a реnis comes in.
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to sсrеw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you кill a rетаrd?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: How do they say “fсuк you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: How do you get tickets to the Тамроn 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
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