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Hotel Jokes

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An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them:
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."
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Each year our company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When we were told we would not be able to reserve our usual location, my secretary, Gail, spent many hours on the phone trying to work out alternative arrangements.
Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into my office. "Great news, Scott!" she announced. "We’re getting our regular room at the hotel!"
All eyes were on Gail and me as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.
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Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.
Man: Hi, I’d like to book a triplex for the weekend.
Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.
Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.
Yoda:
“du or du not, there is not tri”
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A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might кill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years…I thought he meant his money!!”
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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're right it wasn't!" Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had, the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."
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An old man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup," says the old man.
"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup!" says the old man.
"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.
"JUST TASTE THE SOUP WILL YA!" the old man insists.
The waiter looks down:
"OK then... Where is the spoon?"
The old man exclaims, "Aha!"
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There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn’t know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he’s going with his donkey.
“Anywhere I go, she goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you can’t take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we’ll take good care of her.” So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn’t want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
“Great!” replied Bozo. “How much do I have to pay?” he asks.
“One thousand dollars for the food.”
“But I haven’t touched the food.”
“It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV.”
“But I didn’t even know how to turn the dамn thing on!”
“It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed.”
“But I slept on the floor!”
“It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars.”
“You owe me ten thousand dollars for sсrеwing my donkey.”
“But sir, I didn’t do your donkey.”
“It was there. You should have!”
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I walk into a hotel and go to check in. The beautiful receptionist got me checked in and was all smiles. She even wrote down her phone number for me.
The number was 0....
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That awkward part in monopoly when the board is lined with so many hotels that going to jail becomes a blessing.
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A man walks into his hotel’s lift. The operator asks, “Which floor son?”
“17th” replies the man.
“No problem son” says the operator.
As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, “Enjoy the rest of your stay son”
“Why do you keep calling me son?!” asks the man.
“Well, I brought you up didn’t I?” replies the Operator.
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There’s a hotel on 14th Avenue…I have reservations… … But I’m going to stay there anyway.
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All the hotels where I stay now have the television set bolted to the desk, like that's going to keep a guy from taking a television set. If you're that desperate, you get a desk, too.
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An italian man who doesnt know english comes to england and:
At the hotel he learns, "me,me,me!"
At the restaurant he learns, "knives and forks, knives and forks!"
At the museum he learns, "oh, how fascinating!"
And at the farm he learns, "a little fат piggy"
Then there was a dead woman on the road, the police was there and asked,
"Who killed her?"
Man answers, "me,me,me!"
Police,"what did you кill her with?"
Man,"knives and forks, knives and forks!"
Police,"you're going to prison!"
Man,"oh, how fascinating!"
Police,"who do you think you are?"
Man, "a little fат piggy"
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I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.
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Once in Lahore girl went to a mosque to confess something. The Mullah asked her what she wanted to confess about guy, named Abdul, ваsтаrd.
On this the mulla asked why? The girl said :
"I met a handsome boy in a hotel. We got in a mood to have sеx. He took me to his room. He opened my shirt".
Then he took off my pant and then his own shirt".
The mulla asked :
"Like this"
? And did the same. The girl said :
"Yes. Then he took off his pant and my вrа."
The Mulla asked :
"Like this"?
The girl said :
"Yes then he took off his underwear and my раnтiеs".
The mulla asked :
"Like this"? And did the same.
The girl said :
"Yes then he inserted his реnis into my vаginа several times".
The mulla asked :
"Like this"? And did the same.
The girl said :
"Yes"
The Mulla said :
"So what is wrong in this evberybody does this. Why did you call him a ваsтаrd?
The girl said :
"I asked him if he had AIDS ----? And he said ----- yes".
On this the Mulla said ::
"Abdul you........ Ваsтаrd !!!!".
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Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.
The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.
On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.
Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says:
"Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"
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My mum said “you treat this place like a hotel”……
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for ‘rude staff’
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(Grand Kids) Hey grandpa, I thought we were going camping! This is a three star hotel!
(Grand Mother responds) Trust me kids, anything under four stars feels like camping.
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