Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day he got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did....
1. HOTEL -- I gave my girlfriend da сrавs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RЕСТUМ -- I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RЕСТUМ both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT -- My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE -- If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB -- Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that
Catacomb.
6. РЕNIS -- I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said РЕNIS.
7. ISRAEL -- Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE -- There is a fine lookin' hое livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI -- I was gonna buy my old lady a вrа but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN -- My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM -- My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY -- I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the тiтs on this hое.
13. HORDE -- My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
14. INCOME -- I just got in bed wit dis hое and INCOME my wife.
15. FORTIFY -- I axed da hое how much? And she say FORTIFY.
Donny got an A.
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.
“Bartender,” he says, “give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.”
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her side.
“That was very kind of you,” she says. “Won’t you sit down?”
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, “Let me be honest with you. You’re a very nice man, but I don’t think you realize that I’m a professional. I’d be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that’s not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I’ll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.”
“I’m surprised,” says Berkowitz. “But you’re a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I’ve never done something like this before, but sure, let’s go upstairs.”
When they get to Berkowitz’s room, he says, “I was wondering. There’s something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.”
“Well, I am,” she replies a little defensively. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, I’m Jewish, too,” says Berkowitz. “And since we’re both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.”
“Dаммiт,” she replies, “I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I’m not making any profit!”
===
In Anant's motel,Two pakistani dwarfs go into a discotheque, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an еrестiоn. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second ракi asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second ракi shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the f*cking bed"
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
On an Athi River highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In a City restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends.
Hotel, Japan:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday."
Taken from a menu, Poland:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion."
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
From the "Soviet Weekly":
"There will be a moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to moscow, you are welcome to it."
A laundry in Rome:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says,
"Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed. "Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat. Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
BUSINESS SLOGANS … 25 Funny Lines (Jokes) For The Price of One. (I should make you vote it up 25 times!!!)
…….
Local ad for a Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.” …
…..
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip - call your plumber.” ….
….
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.” ….
….
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a Laundry Shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows.”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
On an Electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room Door:
“Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”
On a fence:
“SalesmEn Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
At a car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
On the door of a Computer Store:
“Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”