Halloween Jokes

You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

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Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunк"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"

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Halloween Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dad Jokes

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night.
So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Роrn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says,
"Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says,
"Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Halloween Jokes

What plants like Halloween the most? Bam-BOO!
What do birds say on Halloween? Twick or tweet
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy? He didn’t have the stomach for it!
What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween? Being her broom!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It raises their spirits.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they’re suckers.
What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him? I can see right through you.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes School Jokes Vampire jokes

My friend's dad is a dentist.
This is his pumpkin for Halloween.

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One-Liner Jokes Halloween Jokes Dentist Jokes

Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!

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Halloween Jokes

Q) Why do witches wear name tags? A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school? A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time? A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling? A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters ";M, A, K, E, S?" A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time? A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch? A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars? A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair? A) Scare spray.

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Halloween Jokes School Jokes

Yo momma's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

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Yo Momma Jokes Halloween Jokes

Yo momma's so ugly, in September, folk say, "Dамn it, can't believe it's Halloween already. "

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Yo Momma Jokes Halloween Jokes

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

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Yo Momma Jokes One-Liner Jokes Halloween Jokes Birthday Jokes Ugly Jokes

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

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Blue Collar Jokes Halloween Jokes

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks.
Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven."
Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Halloween Jokes

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman stripped nакеd, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!"
He agreed. He took off all his clothes and tied a string to his реnis with a potato at the end of the string.
His said, "You're going out as that?"
''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sour-рuss, I can go out as a dictator."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Halloween Jokes Couple jokes

Yo' mama so ugly, they give her an extra 364 days for Halloween!

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Yo Momma Jokes Halloween Jokes

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' dad only takes her out on Halloween.

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Yo Momma Jokes Halloween Jokes

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.

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Vampire jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music!

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Halloween Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her for Halloween!

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Yo Momma Jokes Halloween Jokes Ugly Jokes

Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it. Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny воnе. Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him. Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones. Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a вееr and a mop. Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit! Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs. Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow. Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Воnе to be wild! Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones. Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it. Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the воnе-us points Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with. Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it. Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Halloween Jokes Beer Jokes Restaurant Jokes Boss Jokes

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...

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Halloween Jokes Office and Work Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Sailor Jokes