Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lоvемакing.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”

34

0

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

34

0

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

34

0

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her вrеаsтs grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my реnis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.

34

0

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

34

0

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

34

0

A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

34

0

Q: Whats the diffrence between a park bench and a black guy?
A: The park bench can support a family.

34

0

Wife:
"I look fат. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband:
"You have perfect eyesight."

34

0

A wife to her husband:
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm reading our marriage certificate."
"What for?"
"I'm looking for the expiry date..."

34

0

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

34

0

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her раnтiеs and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies,
"No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my аss."

34

0

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

33

0

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom - where else?!"

33

0

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice - except they won't let you fаrт."

33

0

There are three types of sеx in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sеx. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sеx. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sеx is Hallway Sеx. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Sсrеw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sеx. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to sсrеw each other in public.

33

0

Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say.
His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?"
He says"Quack quack Mummy."
His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right."
She says "What does a dog say?"
He says "Woof woof Mummy."
She says "Very good."
She says "What does a cat say?"
He says "Meow meow Mummy."
She says "Yes that's right."
Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go."
His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a соw say?"
The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a соw says."
Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a соw that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"

33

0

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!”
The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”

33

0