Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like - Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like - Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like - Bob Vila?" He sat down with a вееr and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sеx with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hеll do I look like - Betty Crocker?"
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said,
“My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said,
“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said,
“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said,
“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her тiтs are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night wh en one turns to the other and says:
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's аss and say, 'How about a вlоwjов?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob:
'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course we do.'
Jacob:
'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:
'All kinds.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist:
'Definitely.'
Jacob:
'How about Viаgrа?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist:
'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob:
'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist:
'Absolutely.'
Jacob:
'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist:
'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly рissеd off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of вооzе can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that fuскing nun out there again!
Naomi was becoming frustrated with her husband Thomas frequent demand for sеx, she then decided to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the number of times they’ll have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper,
“Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sеx are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sеx on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lоvемакing sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sеx craved husband will be understanding and accept her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator
and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband Thomas and the note read,
“Baby, I didn’t realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken an extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
Please honey. I love you too, and remember that ‘Today’ is today and am in the bedroom waiting for you my love.”
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning.
He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down, it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my sтuрid husband is out fishing in that shiт?"