Math jokes, Mathematics Jokes, Mathematicians jokes, Algebra Jokes
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy’s grades were straight A’s, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.
“Oh, it’s all right, I guess,” he replies.
“They must be teaching you some new tricks!”
“Not really.”
“Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?”
“Well”, he says, “as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”
A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.
Granddaughter: It’s March 14th grandpa, national “pi” day.
Grandpa: I love pie!
Granddaughter: Not that kind of pie grandpa, I’m talking about a formula!
Grandpa: Back in my day we called it a recipe!
Granddaughter: Graaaand Paaaa, not that, it’s a mathematical formula, you know an equation.
Grandpa: That’s the problem these days, everyone makes things so complicated. In my day we used things like cups, teaspoons and tablespoons. We didn’t need math if we wanted to bake a pie.
Granddaughter: Oh, I see your point! So what would you like, apple or cherry pie?
Grandpa: Finally, a young person who actually understand things.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fuскing difference?’ ”
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my соск!?'”
“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“The fuск was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said” replied the boy.
There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O. K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I. Q.
The mermaid says, “Done!”
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I. Q.”
And the mermaid replies, “Done!”
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I. Q.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I. Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else.. A million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I. Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”
And with that, he became a woman!
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked,
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary said,
"No!"
"What was it?" she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rаре us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirтy, say two Hail Marys!