Newest jokes - Page 2365

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?
A cat.

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One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a... вееr," the bear says.
"Alright, one вееr for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Michigan Lawyer:
"Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney:
"No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer:
"Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney:
"A 1928 Ford Car."

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Lawyer Jokes

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
"Since you're so dамnеd smart," Sarah says,
"Answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
Jane snorts, "It doesn't always land on the buttered side. Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard. Out comes the butter from the fridge. She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
"Ha-ha! See?!"
"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!"

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Blonde Jokes

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker...
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover...
If he's bald in the front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

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One-Liner Jokes

I can guarantee you won't feel any pain, in “no one's hurtin” terms.

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One-Liner Jokes

A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop.
When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde says,
"No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."
To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do.
After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says,
"Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her."

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Blonde Jokes

Waiter:
"How do you like your steak, sir?"
Sir:
"Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter:
"Rare it is."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
"It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said,
"Cure it, I want to prolong it!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank. Co. Nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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Monday jokes Friday jokes

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."
I asked "Are you single?"
She replied "No, I'm a dentist."

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Jokes about Women Dentist Jokes Flirt jokes

Why did Mozart кill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say:
"Bach, Bach, Bach."

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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

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Blonde Jokes

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.
"Really, what is it?"
“Well, try getting up half an hour later."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The 4 stages of man...
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa Claus.

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Christmas Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said,
"Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said,
"But I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Latest Jokes