Newest jokes - Page 257

Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"
Patient: "What pills?"

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Africa Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven.
"I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven.
But if you think one dirтy thought or act out one dirтy act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a nакеd woman walk by so his wings falll off.
When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Two blond girls are discussing:
"Yesterday during the blackout I got stuck in the elevator for three whole hours!"
"Tell me about it! I got stuck too in the escalators."

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Blonde Jokes

Eminem says "I'm not afraid".
Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says,
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sеx, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Birthday Jokes Love Jokes

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

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Food Jokes Fitness jokes Fat Jokes

Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well traveled, girls love it!"
Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."

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Jokes about Women Dating Jokes Love Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're маsтurватing and your hand falls asleep.

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Gross Jokes Masturbation jokes

One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.
She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.
Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn't figure out what it was.
So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.She said,"Okay,I'll give you a hint.
I call your father this."Little Johnny said to his brother,"Quick Bobby, spit it out,its аsshоlе!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"

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Religion jokes Life Jokes

Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Communication Jokes

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, "I hear sirens.
Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes Hotel Jokes

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

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Redneck jokes Hunting Jokes Stupid Jokes

Baby Rabbit: "Mommy, where did I come from?"
Mother Rabbit: "I ll tell you when you re older."
Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now."
Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."

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Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

"Pa's being chased by a bull!"
"Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?"
"Get me some film for my camera."

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Animal Jokes

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him.
He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice тiтs"

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Church jokes Boob Jokes

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