Newest jokes - Page 286

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"

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Yo Momma's so fат, when she goes to Taco Веll, they run for the border!

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Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Your mom is so fат when she jumps all the oceans disappear.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Q:Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?
A:Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs!

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Blonde Jokes

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiот," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

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Sports Jokes God Jokes Fishing Jokes Boss Jokes

"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"
"My name is Paul."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Parent Jokes

A blonde's house is on fire.
She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!"
Someone else yells, "Call 911!"
The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"

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Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert.
After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, John woke up his friend.
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that... you are an idiот."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John.

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Hunting Jokes Science jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the вiтсh!

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Money jokes Divorce Jokes

Q: What do you call a programmer from Finland?
A: Nerdic.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Nerd jokes

My teacher sends this Chinese kid out of the classroom cause she thought he was sleeping.

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

Knock-Knock
Who is there?
A long реnis with a nакеd head.
Come in please we were waiting for you.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Knock-knock jokes

Good girls go to bed at 8 p.m., since they need to be home by 11 p.m.

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Sex Jokes

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!"

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes China Jokes Scottish Jokes Life Jokes

Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.

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Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Student jokes

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sеx.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sеx and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sеx of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Science jokes Alien Jokes

A brunette and a blonde are walking in the park.
The brunette asks: "Hey can you see that forest over there?"
The blonde looks that way and answers: "I can't, the trees are covering the view."

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Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunк in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunк promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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