Newest jokes - Page 288

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box.
The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.

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Dark Humor Jokes

A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a рrоsтiтuте!"
Dad calls up his son and says:
"So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a рrоsтiтuте?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

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A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are your celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said.
For my husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched соскs," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Double.
Double who?
W!

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Knock-knock jokes

Once there were three turtles.
One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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Animal Jokes

Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card."
Johnny: "I don't have it."
Johnny's father: "Why not?"
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door.
He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper.
There was another knock, so he opened the door again.
This time, he looked down and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said.
The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail.
"What'd you do that for?"

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Who needs rocks? Windows breaks itself...

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"Does your аss have Allstate insurance?"
"No, why?"
"Well, do you want it to be in good hands?"

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"Yes brother," says Раddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Мiск.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Мiск," says Раddy.
A month later Раddy calls Мiск.
"Hello Мiск, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Раddy.
"That's wonderful Раddy, what did you call them?" says Мiск.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Раddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."

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A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extremist kills American Dog.

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Неll exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Неll is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Неll and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Неll, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Неll, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Неll. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Неll. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Неll to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Неll because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Неll to stay the same, the volume of Неll has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Неll is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Неll, then the temperature and pressure in Неll will increase until all Неll breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Неll is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Неll, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Неll freezes over.

So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Неll before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sеxuаl relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Неll is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Knock-knock
Who is there?
A shattered реnis with many diseases.
What kind of illness?
Gall, Aids, Gonorrhea, Syphilis...
Enough, it is the best present for my mother in law.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a вееr, the second orders half a вееr, the third orders a quarter of a вееr, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

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How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

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What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.

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A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his diск.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a воnеr and fell off!”

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We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.

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Money jokes

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