Newest jokes - Page 453

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop :
"Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde :
"Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop :
"Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde :
"Oh! Sтuрid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop :
"Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde :
"Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man.
"Is there a fат bird in my car?"

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Fat Jokes

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Priest Jokes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sеxuаl Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sеxuаl studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Um, Тоnто Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

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Jokes about Women Redneck jokes Sex Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Friendship Jokes Aviation Jokes Communication Jokes American Jokes

A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black and you are white ?"
"Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party... you are lucky that you not bark !"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!"
"Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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Sports Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

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Nationality Jokes Mexican jokes

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.
He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Birthday Jokes Love Jokes

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Gоddаммiт, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Atheist Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were atop a 5 story building when a genie appeared and told them to run to the edge, jump off, and name anything they want to become. the brunette ran, jumped off, and said butterfly, the redhead ran jumped and said eagle, the blonde ran tripped over the edge and said "ah shiт!"

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Blonde Jokes Genie jokes

A blonde texted me the other day and said, "Hey what's your phone number?"

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Blonde Jokes

5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".

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Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

“The Day the Earth Stood Still” is based off the one day in Earth’s history when Chuck Norris slept.

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Chuck Norris Jokes History Jokes

*How to survive a shark attack*
1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da , daah-da " chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fат people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

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Fat Jokes

"Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?"
"It's over!"
"Over? Why, what happened?"
"We got married..."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

Royal family worried about Archie's skin color, when prince Philip is purple

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British Jokes

- Both of them your Majesty? - And Oprah, too

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British Jokes

I hate when people ask me what I do for fun because there is no classy way to say "binge drink"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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