Newest jokes - Page 466

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the sтuрid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says,
"Yes, I Love them."
Then the man asks him again and says "Do you like having them in your mouth?"
Then the sтuрid Guy answears like this "Yes I like them in my mouth says the sтuрid guy confused"
Then the man says "What are you, a gayfish?"

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes

A kid once tried to scare Chuck Norris on Halloween... sadly he has had the hiccups now for 40 years.

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Halloween Jokes

A group of children once said, "Red rover, red rover, send Chuck Norris over."
Those children were the dinosaurs.

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Kids Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Dinosaur jokes

A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.

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Hunting Jokes Police Officer Jokes Banker Jokes

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fuскing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Men jokes Golf jokes

A fат woman just served me at McDonalds. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I responded, "Don't worry, you'll lose that eventually."

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Jokes about Women Fat Jokes

A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off.
He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rестuм.
As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's вuтт?"
The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips."
The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure.
The cowboy said, "Nope.
But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

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Animal Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"
Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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News and Politics Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

A blond was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?" And the blond replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes

Five cannibals from Papua New Guinea are listed in one company as Programmer hired.
When greeting the cannibals, the boss says to them:
′′ You can now work here, earn good money and go to the Going to eat in our canteen. So leave the other staff in peace."
The cannibals vowed high and holy no colleagues to harassing. After four weeks the boss comes back to them and says: ′′ You work very well. However, we are missing a cleaning lady, Do you know what happened to this one?"
The cannibals all answer ′′ no ′′ and swear with the thing to have nothing to do. When the boss is gone ask the upper cannibal the rest of the squad:
′′ Which one of you ate the cleaning lady?"
In the back, the last one is very small:
′′ It was me..."
Says the upper cannibal:
′′ You idiот, we've been feeding on group leaders for four weeks, Department managers, department managers, project managers and Controllers so nobody will notice and you have to sucker eating the cleaning lady!"

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Programmer Jokes Cannibal Jokes Boss Jokes

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my ваlls drop.

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Dirty jokes New year jokes

Yo momma so skinny she looks like a mic stand.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes Ugly Jokes

Yo momma so nasty i had phone sеx with her and she gave me an earinfection

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Sex Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Phone jokes

Yo momma is so dumb she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

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Yo Momma Jokes

Yo mama so fат the only reason she took algebra in high school was because she heard there was gonna be some pi.

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School Jokes Math Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Yes officer, I did see the "Speed limit" sign...
I just didn't see you.

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Office and Work Jokes

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A nакеd man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes

Why do black people have white hands?
They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!

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God Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

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