Newest jokes - Page 531

An elderly man went t o his doctor and said:
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the вееr, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a вееr. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair. ”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the вееr. “The curlers are on me.”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, 'Four.'
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, 'Four, plus or minus one.'
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, 'How much do you want it to be?'

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night.
So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Роrn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says,
"Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says,
"Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Halloween Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 10, 1993
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.
Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Superhero Jokes

What plants like Halloween the most? Bam-BOO!
What do birds say on Halloween? Twick or tweet
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy? He didn’t have the stomach for it!
What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween? Being her broom!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It raises their spirits.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they’re suckers.
What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him? I can see right through you.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes School Jokes Vampire jokes

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

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Jewish Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Military Jokes

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then."
He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said,
"Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes

Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."

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Blonde Jokes Military Jokes

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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Old People Jokes

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

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Computer Jokes Geek jokes

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

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Priest Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

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News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Wedding jokes Australia Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes Military Jokes

I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sеx and оrаl sеx with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale.
It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: Hey y'all... Watch this!

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Redneck jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they кill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hеll with your canoes!"

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Cannibal Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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