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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
Човек отива при психиатър. Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top,... Un signore ha un grosso problema, da anni non riesce a dormire perché è tormentato da un incubo: appena chiude gli occhi sogna che sotto il suo letto ci sono dei terribili mostri. Anni e anni di psicoanalisi non servono a nulla e alla fine vi rinuncia. Qualche tempo dopo il suo analista lo... Psikoloğa başvuran adam ; - Geceleri uyuyamiyorum efendim ,sürekli yatağin altinca biri Varmış gibi geliyor yatağin altina iniyorum bu seferde sanki Yatağin üzerinde birileri varmış gibi geliyor .... O cara foi ao psiquiatra e se queixou: — Sabe doutor, sempre que estou deitado tenho a impressão que existe alguem embaixo da cama! — Isso é grave, mas podemos fazer um tratamento... — Quanto vai... Pacjentowi zdawało się, że pod jego łóżkiem siedzą potwory. Po wielu seansach niezadowolony z braku poprawy zrezygnował ze swojego terapeuty. Po pewnym czasie spotykają się na ulicy: - Nawet pan... “Ik heb een probleem, dokter. Iedere keer als ik naar bed ga, denk ik dat er iemand onder zit. Ik ben bang en ik denk dat ik gek word.” “Kom een jaar lang in behandeling bij mij,” zegt de...
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Шофоьор на камион карал по магистралата Париж-Лион. Спротивен правец As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway. Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.." She replies:... El conductor borracho en dirección contraria Va un gallego conduciendo por Londres y pone la radio, cuando justo emitían las noticias, y escucha: Había un señor que iba conduciendo, prende la radio y escucha: "Hoy, un maniático se ha ido contra el tránsito y nadie ha podido atraparlo" Y luego el hombre dice: ¿Qué? ¿Uno? ¡Son miles! Va un gallego de visita por navidad conduciendo en coche por Inglaterra y escucha las noticias: -¡ Atención! mucho ojo en la carretera que hay un loco conduciendo en sentido contrario. Y el gallego... Un loco va conduciendo por la autopista en dirección contraria y oye por la radio: - La Guardia Civil alerta de que hay un coche que va en dirección contraria. Y el loco dice: -¿ Uno? ¡Si van todos! - Алло, дорогая, только что по радио передали, что один псих едет по встречке. Geisterfahrer zwischen München und Salzburg Eine Blondine fährt auf der Autobahn und hört Radio. Der Sprecher gibt eine Eilmeldung durch: Ein Autofahrer hört ausm Radio: "Ein Geisterfahrer auf der A7!" Sagt der Fahrer: "Was? Einer? Hundert!" Deux blondes sont en voiture. En consultant l'info trafic sur son téléphone, la copilote paniquée dit à la conductrice : C'est une blonde qui se promène en auto. à la radio, on annonce un message important: "Attention ! Sur la rue Ste-Catherine, une femme circule avec son auto en sens contraire du trafic !" Et la blonde se dit: "ils sont nuls y'en a pas qu'une, ils sont... Un belge est en train de rouler sur l'autoroute tout en écoutant la radio: " ... ATTENTION, ATTENTION nous avons un communiqué spécial de la gendarmerie: on nous signale qu'un automobiliste roule à... C'est l'histoire d'une blonde qui roule sur une départemental quand elle entend un message radio important: '- Avis aux personnes roulant sur la departemental 2335 une voiture roule en sens... Παρανοϊκός O πόντιος στο Λονδίνο Un automobilista ubriaco sbaglia l’entrata in autostrada e si immette in senso contrario, creando lo scompiglio nel traffico. Mentre ascolta la radio sente le ultime dal radio-giornale: “…ci e’... Temel bir gün e-5 karayoluna ters yönden girmiş. Bunu fark eden trafik polisleri yol üzerinde seyreden araçları uyarmak için telsizden "e-5 te bir araç ters yönde seyretmektedir." diye anons... Temel x otoyolunda araba sürerken bir yandan da radyo dinlemektedir... çalan şarkı bir anda kesilmiş ve bir anons gelmiş: - X otoyolunda ilerleyen sürücülerin dikkatine! bir araç ters yönde seyir... Tor Arne åkte på en svensk motorväg när han hörde ett meddelande på bilradion: - Det är en galning som kör åt fel håll på motorvägen. - En???? Det är ju hundratals... En norsk kör på tyska autobahn med hög hastighet. Rätt som det är varnar man på bilradion för en galning, som kör på fel sida av vägen, mot trafiken. När turisten hör detta utbrister han: - En!?... En mann satt bilen sin på veg til Oslo. Han skrudde på radioen, og hørte trafikkmeldingen: - Alle de som kjører opp mot Trøndelag må være forsiktige. Det er en mann som kjører i feil fil - En!... Det var en gang en svenske som var ute og kjørte bil, plutselg kom det en nyhetsending. Reporteren: – Vi melder om at en bil kjører mot kjøreretningen på E6 i nord-gående retning. Svensken: EN?!... Un tip merge pe autostrada 57 cu masina si asculta radioul. La un moment dat, la radio, crainica anunta: - Pe autostrada 57, un nebun merge pe contrasens. Tipul foarte enervat: - Nu unul, sute, sute ! Jede takhle řidič auta a jen tak si pustí rádio a tam slyší: Po Mostecké dálnici jede nějakej zkurvenej debil v protisměru!!! Řidič vypne rádio a stěžuje si: Kéž by jen jeden, ale tady jede v... Žmona skambina naujajm rusui į mobilųjį telefoną: - Tu dabar magistrale važiuoji? - Taip, brangute. - Greitai stabdyk ir suk į kelkraštį. Per radiją policija pranešė, kad kažkoks vienas pusprotis... Skambina naujam rusui žmona ir sako. - Tu dabar važiuoji. - Jo o kas yra. - Greit stok šalikelėj per žinias pranešė kad kažkoks idiotas važiuoja priešinga eismui kelio puse. - Gerai būtį kad tik...
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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
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Бигамия означава да имаш една жена повече, отколкото ти трябва. Моногамията е същото. - Што е бигамија? - Една жена повеќе. - А, моногамија? - Исто, една жена повеќе. Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy? A: The Same! La bigamie consiste à avoir une femme de trop; la monogamie aussi.
Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries... Una anciana a la mitad de un servicio religioso se indigna y le dice al oido al esposo: - ma acabo de tirar un pedito silencioso que hago . y el marido responde.- ahora nada, cámbiale las pilas al... En la misa, la abuela María le dice a una amiga: -Me acabo de tirar un pedito silencioso... ¿Qué hago? Y la amiga le contesta: -Ahora nada, pero después cámbiate la pilas del audífono. Uma velhota, durante a missa, inclina-se e diz ao ouvido do seu marido: — Acabo de soltar um pum silencioso. Que achas que devo fazer? O velho responde? — Agora nada. Mas quando sairmos vamos... W kościele babcia mówi do dziadka. - Puściłam cichacza. - Widzę, że muszę ci wymienić baterie w aparacie słuchowym. Een bejaard koppel zit op een zondagochtend in de kerk. Halverwege de dienst leunt de vrouw naar haar man en zegt: "Ik heb zojuist een stil windje gelaten. Wat moet ik nu doen? " Haar man leunt... Et gammelt ægtepar sidder over i kirken. De er lige midt i gudstjenesten da den ældre kvinde vender sig over mod sin mand og siger: “Åha jeg er lidt bange for jeg har lige lavet en lang men stille... Et ældre ægtepar Et ældre ægtepar sad i kirken. Cirka halvvejs inde i gudstjenesten, læner kvinden sig over til sin mand og siger: - Jeg har lige slået en lydløs prut. Hvad synes du jeg skal gøre?... Egy idős házaspár istentiszteleten vesz részt. Úgy a felénél az asszony odahajol a férjéhez és így szól: - Az imént egy csendeset szellentettem, mit gondolsz, mit tegyek? A férj válasza: - Cseréld...
Old People Jokes
- Как да накарате мъж да направи нещо, което не иска? Най-лесния начин да се накара един мъж да направи нещо вкъщи - е да се спомене, че сигурно вече е доста стар, за да направи това... Wat is de beste mannier om een man iets te laten doen? Zeggen dat hij er te oud voor is.
Marriage and Family Jokes
Малкият Иванчо дочул шум от спалнята на родителите си. Малкия Иванчо отива при майка си я пита: Надувување A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?" A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by... Jaimito escucha ruidos extraños en el cuarto de sus padres, así que empuja la puerta y los encuentra “con las manos en la masa”. -Mamá, papá, que hacen? -Su mamá responde: Ehhh...verás Jaimito, yo estoy saltando encima de la panza de tu papá para que adelgace... -Pero mamá, eso no... Fritzchen im Schlafzimmer Ein Ehepaar stimmt sich gerade im Bett ein. Die Erregung nimmt langsam zu, da steht der kleine Filius plötzlich in der Tür und fragt die Mama: Fritzchen überrascht die Eltern beim Sex. Die Mutter sitzt gerade auf dem Vater. Als der Junge naiv fragt, was die beiden da täten, antwortet die Mutter schnell: „Äh, ich versuche nur Papas Bauch... C'est un petit garçon qui se réveille pendant la nuit parce qu'il entend du bruit dans la chambre de ses parents. A l'heure du petit déjeuner un enfant avoue a sa mère: O menininho entra de repente no quarto e flagra a mamãe deitada por cima do papai. — Que é que você está fazendo, manhê? — Ah, querido... bem... é que o seu pai está muito gordo e eu estou... Lille Filip öppnade dörren till badrummet. Där stod hans mamma och drog fram och tillbaka på pappans snopp. Mamman fann sig snabbt och sa leende: - Du förstår, pappa har blivit lite rund om... En dag när den lille gossen öppnade sovrumsdörren låg mamma och drog fram och tillbaks på pappas snopp. Gossen frågade vad de gjorde, varpå mamman generat harklade sig och sa: - Det är så att... - Mamma, varför guppade du upp och ner på pappas mage igår kväll? - Jag är tvungen att göra så, annars blir pappas mage jättetjock, guppandet håller honom smal. - Det kommer inte att fungera! -...
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- Защо ураганите ги наричат все с ​​женски имена? - Знаете ли какво е общото между жената и торнадото ? И жените и торнадото започват с духане а после ти отнасят къщата ... Каква е приликата между блондинката и торнадото? Women and Bad Weather Q: How are women and tornadoes alike? A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they go. Q: How are women and a hurricane alike? A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car. ¿Por qué los huracanes en su mayoría tienen nombres de mujeres? ¿Por qué los huracanes tienen nombre de mujer? Porque cuando llegan son salvajes y mojados, y cuando se van, se llevan la casa y el auto. maestra porque a los huracanes les ponen nombre de mujer? porque cuando se enojan se llevan todo casa carro, los muebles los corotos, los muchachos y todo lo que puedan ¿ En qué se parecen las mujeres a los huracanes? En que llegan fuertes y salvajes y se van con tu carro y tu casa. Unterschied zwischen Frauen und Taifunen Was haben Frauen und Tornados gemeinsam: Was haben eine Frau und ein Hurricane gemeinsam? Beide kommen warm und feucht, und wenn sie verschwinden nehmen sie Haus und Auto mit. Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam? Sie sind heiß und feucht, wenn sie kommen. Und wenn sie gehen, nehmen sie Häuser und Autos mit. Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam ?? Es fängt mit einem Blasen an, und dann ist das Haus weg. Quelle est le point commun entre une femme et un ouragan? Pourquoi les tornades ont toujours des noms de filles? Parce qu'elles arrivent chaudes et humides et repartent avec ta maison et ta voiture. Pourquoi les ouragans ont-ils tous des noms de femmes ? Car quand ça arrive, c'est chaud et humide, et quand ça repart, ça emporte ta voiture et ta maison ! Γιατί όλοι οι τυφώνες έχουν θηλυκό όνομα; Τι κοινό έχει το τσουνάμι με το μουνί? Έρχονται και τα δύο ζεστά και υγρά και φεύγουν με αμάξι και σπίτι. Perché gli uragani hanno nomi femminili? Perché quando arrivano sono bagnati e scatenati, e quando se ne vanno si prendono la casa e la macchina. Perchè i più grandi tornado hanno il nome di donna? Perchè quando arrivano sono caldi e umidi... e quando se ne vanno, si portano via tutto, anche la casa e la macchina! - Чому урагани називають жіночими іменами? - Спочатку - загадкові і непередбачувані, а потім забирають будинки і машини. Sabe porque que mulher é igual a tsunami? R: Porque quando vem vem cheia de onda, e quando vai leva casa, carro, dinheiro... Dlaczego kobieta podobna jest do huraganu? - Bo wprawdzie najpierw jest ciepła i wilgotna, ale później zabiera ci dom i samochód... Varför döper man tornados efter kvinnor? De dyker inte upp så ofta, men när de gör det för de ett jäkla oväsen och när de går så tar de halva huset med sig. - Varför ger man tropiska orkaner kvinnonamn? - Det är för att de är vilda och våta när de kommer. Och när de försvinner tar de med sig bilen och huset... Varför är alla orkaner uppkallade efter kvinnor? - Eftersom de båda är våta och vilda när de kommer och så tar de både hus och bil med sig när de går! Waarom hebben orkanen meestal vrouwelijke namen? - Ze komen meestal nat en krachtig aanzetten, houden je een tijdje bezig en zijn uiteindelijk met je huis en je auto weg !! Hvorfor får orkaner altid pige navne? – Når de kommer er de våde og vilde og når de går tager de hus og bil med sig… Opkaldt efter kvinder Hvorfor er alle orkaner opkaldt efter kvinder? – Fordi de er våde og vilde når de kommer, og så tager de både hus og bil med sig når de går! Hva er likheten mellom jenter og orkaner? - Våte og ville i begynnelsen men tar med seg hus og bil når de drar.. Miksi hirmumyrskyille annetaan naisten nimet? - Ne saapuvat villeinä ja märkinä, mutta lähtevät mukanaan talot, autot ja irtain omaisuus. Kāpēc viesuļvētras sauc sieviešu vārdos? - Iesākumā tās ir noslēpumainas un neprognozējamas, pēc tam paņem mājas un mašīnas
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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold вееr, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a вееr to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
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С жена ми имаме малка тайна за здраво семейство. Два пъти седмично ходим на хубав ресторант с хубава храна и хубаво вино. The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays. Mi esposa y yo tenemos el secreto para un matrimonio feliz: Dos veces a la semana vamos a un restaurante y disfrutamos de una rica comida y un buen vino. Ella va los martes y yo, los viernes Mi esposa y yo tenemos secretos para que dure el matrimonio: Dos veces a la semana, vamos a un agradable restaurant, un poquito de vino, buena comida y buena compañía. Ella va los martes yo voy los... Letztens hat mich ein Bekannter gefragt, warum meine Ehe nach so langen Jahren noch immer so gut läuft. Ich hab geantwortet: "Weil wir noch zweimal pro Woche Sex haben. Ich dienstags, und meine... Rozmawia dwóch kolegów. - Ja mam z żoną super sposób na szczęśliwe pożycie małżeńskie. - Jaki? - Dwa razy w tygodniu chodzimy do przytulnej restauracji, Trochę wina, dobre jedzenie, później... "Hvad er hemmeligheden ved jeres lange og lykkelige ægteskab?" "Min kone og jeg går ud og får en romantisk middag en gang om ugen." "Nå, hvor går i hen?" "Tja, jeg går på italiensk restaurant, men... Mellem venner: - Hvordan holder du og din kone jeres ægteskab sammen? - Vi går ud og spiser to gange om ugen på en lille restaurant med god mad og vin. - Det må jeg nok sige. - Ja, min kone spiser... Mi ketten a feleségemmel tudjuk, mi a hosszú házasság titka. Minden héten kétszer elmegyünk egy kellemes étterembe. Egy kis bor, jó ételek, kellemes társaság. Ő kedden megy, én szombaton. Külön...
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunк.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunк." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
ТРИ ЧАСА ПРЕЗ НОЩТА. Три часа през нощта. Мъж и жена спят. Изведнъж на вратата се звъни. Мъжът псувайки става и отива да отвори. На вратата стои някакво пиянде яко наквасен: El borracho necesita que le empujen Eran las 3:00am, habia un terrible aguacero y un borracho gritaba: - Alguien que me empuje!!!!!!!!. Una señora escucha y levanta al marido: - Amor, ve y ayuda a ese pobre señor, que de seguro se le... Три часа ночи. Mitten in der Nacht klopft es an der der Haustür bei Herrn Schmidt. Er geht die Treppe runter und öffnet die Tür. Vor ihm steht ein beunruhigter Mann und sagt: "Mein Auto springt nicht an und ich... Au début de la nuit un couple vient de se coucher. Un quart d'heure après, on sonne très fort à la porte.  Le mari se lève à demi endormi et ouvre la porte. Il voit un type, visiblement bourré, qui lui dit : - Salut! J'ai besoin qu'on me pousse. Sois sympa, viens me pousser! Allez, s'il te plaît,... Βοήθεια!! Κούνιες. Κάποιος να με σπρώξει As três horas da manhã, a mulher acorda o marido: — Benhê, estão batendo à porta. Vai ver o que é... O sujeito vai atender e ao abrir a porta, dá de cara com um bêbado: — Será que dá para você dar...
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