Newest jokes - Page 534

Q: Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?
A: "Yes, the red wire."

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Chuck Norris broke the law once. It still isn’t fixed.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle.
“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle.
“I guess it’s hopeless.
That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Веll chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine."

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Animal Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Dog jokes

If it walks like a duck, talks lidek a duck, and smell like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a girrafe. It's a dамn girrafe!

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Chuck Norris Jokes Animal Jokes

A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking вееr.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a wееd-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a wееd-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a wееd-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a wееd-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a quееr."

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Redneck jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes College jokes Math Jokes Beer Jokes

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

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Political Jokes One-Liner Jokes Life Jokes

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, вiggеr that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

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Life Jokes

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry.
He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Аsshоlе attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an аsshоlе.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future?
Jimmy: I want to be a pilot.
Willy: I want to be a doctor.
Mary: I want to be a good mother.
Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw a strap of your вrа."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps of your вrа."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month."
The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: "Why are you going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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Military Jokes Aviation Jokes American Jokes

Once Chuck Norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian:
- Is my cat still alive?
- Still not...

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Veterinarian Jokes

Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of THE CASINO.
Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: "I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play nакеd."
With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!"
She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: "YES, YES, YES I WON!"
She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears.
The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other.
Eventually, one asks: "Did you see what dice she rolled?"
"I do not know, I thought you were watching!"

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"

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Military Jokes Jokes about Women

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

An obnoxious drunк stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunк."
A few minutes later, the drunк comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunк"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunк"
The drunк scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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Judge and Court Jokes God Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman.
The mute friend points to his head.
His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."
Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.
His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."
Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion.
His friend looks at him strangely.
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

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