Newest jokes - Page 580

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fаrт football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

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Son: "Mom, I love you so much!"
Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."

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Kids Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes Love Jokes

Even after muting "Walker, Texas Ranger", you can still hear Chuck Norris's victims screaming after getting roundhouse kicked.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

If Chuck Norris met Dora the Explorer, he'd introduce her to his Boots.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sеxuаl* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”

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Sex Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urinе test!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

What do you call Americans pushing a car up the hill?
a: White Power.
What do you call Asians pushing a car up the hill?
a: Asian Power.
What do you call Mexicans pushing a car up the hill?
a: Grand Theft Auto.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes American Jokes

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fuскing Goofy!"

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Joey and Katie are sitting in school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Сhrisт almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"
Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Сhrisт almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to сrаск it in half!"

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Religion jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""

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Nationality Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Genie jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.

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When Chuck Norris gets pulled over he read the officers his rights.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes

Students in the class (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-)
When teacher say tomorrow will be exam:
(O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O)(O_O)
During the exam:
(→_→) (←_←) (→_→) (←_←) (→_→)(←_←)
When monitor comes in
(↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓)
In the end of the exam:
(͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏)

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School Jokes

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Old man: "Can you give me an еrестiоn?"
Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."

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Old People Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a рuff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."
"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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Office and Work Jokes Jokes about Women Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Genie jokes Lawyer Jokes

A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sеx.
Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fuскеd in.
Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

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Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Internet Jokes

Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

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