Newest jokes - Page 582

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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Science jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography.
What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day.
So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

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School Jokes Dad Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my аss look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

3 people having sеx is a тhrееsоме, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!

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Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

Drink water, let's surprise the liver!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes

My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness.
So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Drug Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.
But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunк and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a соw came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of соw dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of соw dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

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Tax jokes Political Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Student: "Sir, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Yes!"
Student: "How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?"
Teacher: "I don't know."
Student: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!"
Teacher: "Ok, ask."
Student: "How to put a donkey inside the fridge?"
Teacher: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in."
Student: "No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in."
Teacher: "Ooh...ok!!"
Student: "Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?"
Teacher: "The lion of course! Because it wud eat all the animals."
Student: "No sir, it is the donkey becoz it's still inside the fridge."
Teacher: "Are you kidding me?"
Student: "No sir, 1 last question."
Teacher: "Ok!"
Student: "If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?"
Teacher: "There's no way, I would need a boat to cross."
Student: "No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party..."
Teacher: "I have my own question, if all the students come to school except one person, who is the person..."
Student: "No idea sir..."
Teacher: "It's you because you are on two weeks suspension."

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School Jokes Animal Jokes Student jokes

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

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Old People Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes Banker Jokes

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf... I haven’t heard from him since

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a вееr. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve вееr.).
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve ВЕЕR here, you МОRОN!"
The German fellow felt pretty sтuрid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A Drunк climbs on a bar stool in a bar and screams, "All lawyers are sneaky thieves."
A man stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that remark."
The drunк shouts back, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No," says the man, "I'm a sneaky thief."

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fат cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fат cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Lawyer Jokes Prison Jokes Fat Jokes

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