Newest jokes - Page 582

Q: Why do rednecks like having sеx doggie style?
A: That way they can both watch wrestling.

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A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Love Jokes

On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
"Give me a couple of steaks," he says.
"We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher.
"Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"

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Hunting Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Communication Jokes Dog jokes

One day, Нiтlеr decided to test out the skills of several prisoners in Treblinka.
As the first test, he had his soldiers bring him out the three prisoners, then line them up before him.
"How high can you jump?" he asks the first one.
"About 1 meter," answers the prisoner.
Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier.
"Take this one back to work, but give him 1 kilogram of rye bread."
After the soldier did as he was told, Нiтlеr stood before the second prisoner.
"How high can you jump?" he asks again.
After a moment of thinking, the prisoner says.
"Two meters, if I really try."
Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier again.
"Take this one back to work too, but give him two kilograms of rye bread."
Observing this, the third prisoner did the maths and hatched a plan.
Finally, Нiтlеr stood face to face with him.
"How high can you jump?" he asked him at last prisoner.
"My most illustrious Führer, I can jump 5 meters!" said the prisoner as a smug grin bloomed on his face.
Hitler frowned before turning to his soldier.
"Tell me, Walter: how tall are the walls around the camp?"
"Three meters, my Führer!" cried the soldier.
Hitler nodded again before turning to the last prisoner.
"In that case, shoot this one: he may become a problem in the future."

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Hitler Jokes Prison Jokes

What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind?
"Well, at least I'm not black."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

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Fitness jokes Phone jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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Science jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography.
What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day.
So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

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School Jokes Dad Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my аss look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

3 people having sеx is a тhrееsоме, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!

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Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

Drink water, let's surprise the liver!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes

My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness.
So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Drug Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.
But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunк and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a соw came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of соw dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of соw dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

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Tax jokes Political Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Student: "Sir, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Yes!"
Student: "How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?"
Teacher: "I don't know."
Student: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!"
Teacher: "Ok, ask."
Student: "How to put a donkey inside the fridge?"
Teacher: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in."
Student: "No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in."
Teacher: "Ooh...ok!!"
Student: "Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?"
Teacher: "The lion of course! Because it wud eat all the animals."
Student: "No sir, it is the donkey becoz it's still inside the fridge."
Teacher: "Are you kidding me?"
Student: "No sir, 1 last question."
Teacher: "Ok!"
Student: "If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?"
Teacher: "There's no way, I would need a boat to cross."
Student: "No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party..."
Teacher: "I have my own question, if all the students come to school except one person, who is the person..."
Student: "No idea sir..."
Teacher: "It's you because you are on two weeks suspension."

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