Newest jokes - Page 641

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"

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How Many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer 10

1 to change it and 9 to sing about how good the old one was ;-)

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Light bulb jokes

Why can't single women fаrт?
They don't get an аsshоlе till they get married.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes Fat Jokes

Golfer:
"I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:
"Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

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Sports Jokes Golf jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Dating Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Three statisticians go out hunting together.
After a while they spot a solitary rabbit.
The first statistician takes aim and overshoots.
The second aims and undershoots.
The third shouts out "We got him!"

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Math Jokes

I was asked by my teacher, "What was Adolf Нiтlеr's book called?"
Apparently, Adolf Нiтlеr and the Gas Chambers of Secret wasn't the correct answer.

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School Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Hitler Jokes

Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Wine jokes

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

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Men jokes Farmer Jokes

I should write a роор joke about Russia. It goes like this:
'Hey Bill, why you Russian?' 'Oh, I'm in a hurry because I have a horrible case of the Trotskys.' 'I've got the opposite problem, Bill. I have the Stalins.' 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about ruining your Lenins.'

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes April Fools' Jokes

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so dамnеd expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.

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New year jokes

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Dumbbell.
Dumbbell who?
Dumbbell doesn't work so I had to knock!

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Office and Work Jokes Knock-knock jokes

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
We’re having sex
Cause i’m stronger than you.

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Dark Humor Jokes Sex Jokes Criminal Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

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Animal Jokes Asian jokes Restaurant Jokes

It gets kinda awkward when you’re stuck slap ваng in the middle of a couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you…
They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up and leave their bedroom first.

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Cheating Jokes

Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

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One-Liner Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Holiday Jokes

No time for gym?
Please tell me how you watch 3 hours of TV every night.

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Fitness jokes

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

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One-Liner Jokes Relationship Jokes

Latest Jokes