Newest jokes - Page 789

You know those people using bibles on their phones? They are using phony bibles.

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Christian Jokes

Chuck Norris knows how they get the caramel inside the chocolate bar.

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Chocolate Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

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Men jokes Beauty Jokes

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.
Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

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Police Officer Jokes Australia Jokes

I hate people asking for kickasses. kickass if you agree.

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Dark Humor Jokes

Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse Now we have a native animal in Africa called the giraffe

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Africa Jokes

Yo Momma so poor I stepped in her house and I was in the backyard.

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Yo Momma Jokes

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

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Flirt jokes Chocolate Jokes

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a вееr?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Arriving at the 18th hole where a large pond separated the fairway from the green, the foursome was shocked to see a golfer so furious with his game he threw his bag into the water and stormed off to the parking lot.

As they approached the green they noticed the man returning to the pond, removing his shoes and fishing for his bag. "Wow," one of the men said, "it seems he has recognized the error of his ways."

At that moment the errant golfer found his bag, zipped open the pocket, found his car keys, and then threw the bag back into the water.

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Golf jokes Men jokes

My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sеx…
Fаnny she should say that!

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Sex Jokes Dating Jokes

My math teacher called me average...
How mean!

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Math Jokes School Jokes

My wife came home with four cases of вееr, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vаginа. What is a vаginа, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sеx it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sеx?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

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Sex Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland stopped at a farm cottage. He told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's роттy chair!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Farmer Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, sсuм sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

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Lawyer Jokes Vampire jokes Pet Jokes Fishing Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Shelby.
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' around the mountain when she comes!

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Knock-knock jokes

I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.
Never saw my BMW again.

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Blonde Jokes Criminal Jokes BMW jokes

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left t!t.
“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

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Cheating Jokes

My wife came home from the gym today and said, “I think I’ve done something to my knee, it’s killing me.”
I said, “Go and get a hot bath.”
“What, to ease the pain?” She replied.
“No.” I said, “Because you fuскing stink.”

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Fitness jokes

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