Newest jokes - Page 790

Nothing like Hurricane Sandy to make me realize what's really important in life, internet access.

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Internet Jokes

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mama so fат when she went to bruger king the bruger was running as fast as they can.

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Fat Jokes Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head. …
…
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!” …
…
“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his аrsе.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Disability Jokes Dog jokes

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunк calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"
"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood.

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Boycott Jokes

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!

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Facebook Jokes Birthday Jokes

You know those people using bibles on their phones? They are using phony bibles.

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Christian Jokes

Chuck Norris knows how they get the caramel inside the chocolate bar.

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Chocolate Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

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Men jokes Beauty Jokes

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.
Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

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Police Officer Jokes Australia Jokes

I hate people asking for kickasses. kickass if you agree.

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Dark Humor Jokes

Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse Now we have a native animal in Africa called the giraffe

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Africa Jokes

Yo Momma so poor I stepped in her house and I was in the backyard.

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Yo Momma Jokes

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

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Flirt jokes Chocolate Jokes

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a вееr?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Arriving at the 18th hole where a large pond separated the fairway from the green, the foursome was shocked to see a golfer so furious with his game he threw his bag into the water and stormed off to the parking lot.

As they approached the green they noticed the man returning to the pond, removing his shoes and fishing for his bag. "Wow," one of the men said, "it seems he has recognized the error of his ways."

At that moment the errant golfer found his bag, zipped open the pocket, found his car keys, and then threw the bag back into the water.

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Golf jokes Men jokes

My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sеx…
Fаnny she should say that!

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Sex Jokes Dating Jokes

My math teacher called me average...
How mean!

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Math Jokes School Jokes

My wife came home with four cases of вееr, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

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