Newest jokes - Page 788

Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, ‘Wow, what a counter attack.’

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

What is green, has six brown legs and will кill you if it falls from a tree and hits you? …
…
A snooker table.

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Funny Riddles

Why do you run when a blonde throws a pin at you ?????
She's holding the grenade

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.
The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.
They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.
The second judge is exceedingly upset:
"I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"
The first judge responds:
"Well, look at the increase we've just had for this сriме. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

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Judge and Court Jokes

Stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How do you expect us to find you if you look like Beyonce on Facebook and Chief Keef in person.

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Facebook Jokes One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.

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Christmas Jokes Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Viаgrа is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

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Sex Jokes Viagra jokes

How do you get away from a redneck. Take a hard right

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Redneck jokes

Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.

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Funny Quotes

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunк cold coffee?
b) Right out of the рот?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a вееr stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes Beer Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Coffee Jokes

30000 battered women in America, and all this time I've been eating them plain!

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes USA Jokes

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".
He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.
Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.
She says, "How the hеll do you know I'm blonde?".
He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes

BBC News: Internet trolls face longer sentences.
The news comes as Twitter have announced they will be increasing the number of characters from 140 to 200.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes News and Politics Jokes Social Network Jokes Internet Jokes

What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
The car salesman can probably drive!

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

Chuck Norris's wish isn't your command, Chuck Norris's command is your wish...

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Chuck Norris Jokes

"For love on the first sight, there's a tremendous medicine!"
"What medicine?"
"To get another look...!"

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Dirty jokes Love Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on top of a cliff.
A magical bird flies to them and tells them that each one of them can jump off the cliff and wish to be one thing to fly away on.
They will become that thing and can escape from their arduous situation.
The redhead goes first.
She jumps and says "eagle!".
She turns into an eagle and flies away.
The brunette jumps off and says,"hawk!" she turns into a hawk and flies away.
The blonde takes a running start, trips on a rock as she nears the edge. "Oh сrар!" she yells.

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Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic. Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she followed it. After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing. She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"

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Blonde Jokes

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part I
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sеxuаl insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes American Jokes

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