Bar and Bartender Jokes

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A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a вееr.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk".
The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar".
The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks".
The man refuses and claims that's sтuрid.
But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an оrgаsм since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle!
Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit.
Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening.
After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper.
In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered.
The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that dамn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old вiтсh is who needs that tooth pulled".
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This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?"
The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter.
The half drunк man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not."
So the drunк says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of вееr."
The drunк opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down.
A few minutes later the drunк says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill."
So the drunк takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter.
So the drunк says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunк takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shiт and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shiт."
The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Das leere Glas Билдерот и разочараниот маж Το δηλητήριο Η χειρότερη μέρα της ζωής μου сидит однажды в баре грустный такой мужичок и печально взирает на... В кръчмата - отчаян дребен мъж...пред него - бира. Влиза як здравеняк, потупва го по рамото, изхилва се гаднярски и му изпива бирата! В бара. Влиза един в кръчмата, поръчва си сто грама, погалва чашката с ръка, оставя я и вперва в нея очи - час, два. Karl sitzt ganz niedergeschlagen vor einem Glas Bier in einer Kneipe. Сидит очень грустный мужчина в ресторане, голову руками по дпирает, едва не плачет. A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. ,Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?","Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the... O sujeito estava no fundo do bar, triste e arrasado, com seu copo de bebida, quando entra um cara revoltado, quebrando tudo, gritando com todo mundo. O cara chega até a sua mesa, arranca o copo de sua mão, bebe a metade e ainda joga o resto na sua cara: — Fala alguma coisa, cachorro! Fala logo... Un homme maigrichon assis au bar regarde son verre depuis un bon bout de temps. à un certain moment, un homme faisant le double de celui assis au bar entre dans le bar et bois le verre du maigrichon. Celui-ci se mets aussitôt a pleurer. Le costaud un peu mal à l'aise lui dit: - Eh c'était pour... En ung man hade suttit vid en bar med ett glas framför sig i en timme. Då kom en stor, fet och ful MC-kille in och tog mannens glas och drack upp allt. Det gjorde att mannen började gråta. - Var inte ledsen, jag köper en ny drink till dig. Jag tål... Ein kleiner Mann sitzt traurig in der Kneipe... vor sich ein Bier...Kommt ein richtiger Kerl... haut dem kleinen auf die Schulter... trinkt dessen Bier aus... der kleine fängt an zu weinen... Der... Een klein mannetje zit in een bar naar zijn glas te staren. Een half uur lang beweegt hij zich totaal niet. Er komt een levensgrote trucker binnen en deze gaat naast hem zitten. Hij pakt het glas... Un pauvre petit bonhomme est dans un bar depuis une demi-heure. il contemple tristement son verre de bière en soupirant. Tout à coup, un homme barbu en blouson de cuir, entre dans le bar, voit le... Det var en man som hade suttit vid en bar med en drink framför sig i en timme, då kom en tuff mc-kille in och tog mannens drink och drack upp den. Det gjorde att mannen började gråta. – Va inte... Un señor de mediana edad lleva una hora sentado en un bar mirando la copa sin beberla, cuando llega un camionero alto y gordo y se bebe la copa de un solo trago. El pobre hombre se echa a llorar, y... Det var en ung kille som satt på en bar. Då kom en packad, men glad herre fram och drack upp hans drink. Killen började stortjuta! - Men hoppsan! Jag ska köpa en ny till dig, sa den fulla mannen....
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Un borracho entra en un bar y dice: - ¡¡¡Feliz año nuevooo!!! El camarero le contesta: - ¿Cómo que feliz año? ¡Si estamos en julio! Y responde el borracho: - ¡Julio! Carajo, mi mujer me va a matar? ¡Nunca me había retrasado tanto!! Un borracho entra a la cafetería, y con la voz todavía temblorosa dice: - Feliz año nuevo! Pero una mujer le responde: -Señor, pero si estamos en abril. Y el borracho contesta: -¿Abril? ¡Maldición, mi mujer me va a matar, nunca he llegado tan tarde! - ¡Feliz Navidad, grita un borracho! - ¡Pero si estamos en enero!, le dice un amigo. - ¡Ay, la leche, mi mujer me va a matar!
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Един слепец си седи на бара и по едно време се провиква към бармана: Мъж влиза в заведение, сяда на бара до една едра изрусена жена и предлага да й разкаже виц за блондинки. Blind, Blond & Ballsy El del bar y el chiste de Lepe Ein Blinder will einen Blondinenwitz erzählen ΕΝΑΣ ΤΥΦΛΟΣ The blind man O τυφλός Ο τυφλός και η ξανθιά Доаѓа малиот Ѓокица дома и целиот среќен му вели на татка си: A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. Un ragazzo entra in un bar e dice: "Ho una nuova barzelletta di raccontare sui carabinieri". Un uomo, seduto ad un tavolo, dice: "Guarda ragazzo, io sono un carabiniere. E vedi il mio amico la'? Anche lui e' un carabiniere. E quel uomo grosso seduto al tavolo e' un carabiniere. Sei sicuro che... Слеп маж влегува во женски моторџиски бар, некако го наоѓа столчето, нарачува кафе и по некое време и ја прашува келнерката "Сакаш ли да чуеш виц за плавуши". Во барот, експресно сите заќутуваат. Со доста длабок и зарипнат глас, жената до него му вели: "Пред да ја кажете шегата господине, сметам... Em um bar, um bêbado olha para uma loira que estava ao seu lado e diz: — Posso contar uma piada de loira? A loira responde: Olha meu amigo, você além de estar muito bêbado, eu sou campeã nacional de Karatê, minha amiga loira aqui do meu lado, é campeã nacional de Jiu-jitsu, e a outra loira ao... Un borracho está tomando un trago en un bar donde el ambiente es bastante oscuro. En esto se da vuelta hacia la mujer que tiene a su lado y exclama: - ¿Quieres que te cuente un chiste de rubias super cómico? La mujer le responde:... - Bueno, pero antes de que me cuentes ese chiste, debes saber... En blind man på en barstol skriker till bartendern, - Vill du höra ett blondinskämt? Med låg röst så säger killen till vänster om honom, - Innan du berättar det där skämtet så är det nåt du borde veta. - Bartendern är blond, dörrvakten är blond.... Un aveugle entre dans un bar lesbienne par erreur. Il trouve son chemin vers le comptoir et commande un verre. Au bout d'un moment il crie à la serveuse: - "Eh, tu veux que je te raconte une blague... Kommt ein Mann in eine Bar und sagt: "Hey Leute, wollt ihr den neuesten Blondinenwitz hören?" Meint die Barkeeperin: "Bevor du ihn erzählst, sollte ich dir vielleicht sagen, dass ich blond bin,... So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?" The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the... Een blinde man gaat per ongeluk een vrouwenbar binnen. Hij vindt zijn weg tot de toog, zet zich neer op een kruk en bestelt iets te drinken. Nadat hij er zo een tijdje heeft gezeten, roept hij naar... Bardaki taburede oturan kör adamın biri barmene,- "Hey! Bir sarışın fıkrası duymak ister misin?" demiş.Barmen birden tamamıyle sessizleşmiş. Yanındaki adam fısıltı ile ona - "Fıkrayı anlatmadan... En blind man går av misstag in på en lesbisk bar. Han sätter sig på en barstol och beställer en drink. När han har suttit en stund ropar han på bartendern: - Hörru, vill du höra en... A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS... After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The... En blind mann kommer inn på en damebar ved et uhell. Han finner veien frem til baren, tar frem en barkrakk, setter seg ned og han bestiller en drink. Etter å ha sittet en stund alene, roper han til... A man walks into a bar, he takes a seat and asks the barmen if he wanted to hear a blonde joke, the barmen replies before you tell this joke I want to tell you something, see the women over there,... Sokea mies meni baariin ja kysyi baarimikolta "haluatko kuulla blondivitsin?" Vierestä kuului kuiskaus "kuulehan nyt. Ennenkuin kerrot sen vitsin sinun tulee tietää, että baarimikko on blondi,... A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and... Aan een bar in een drukke kroeg zit een blinde man welke plotseling vrij hard roept naar de barkeeper: He barkeeper, zal ik jou eens een goeie mop over domme blondjes vertellen? De barkeeper loopt... Un hombre ciego entra en un "bar de chicas" por equivocación. Se las apaña para llegar hasta la barra y pide una copa, y tras estar un rato sentado en la tabureta le grita al camarero: - Eh, tú,... Kör bir adam yanlışlıkla Bayanlar Barına girer. Bara doğru ilerler ve bir içki ısmarlar. Biraz oturup, içkisini yudumladıktan sonra barmene seslenir: "Hey, bir sarışın fıkrası duymak ister misin?"... En blind mann i en bar roper til bartenderen: - ”Vil du høre en blondinevits?” Mannen ved siden av ham lener seg bort og hvisker: - ”Før du forteller den vitsen er det noe du bør vite. Bartenderen... En blind mand kommer ved en fejltagelse ind på en bar for kvinder. Han famler sig frem til en barstol, og bestiller en drink, uvidende om at han er genstand for alles opmærksomhed. Efter et stykke... So a blind man accidentally walks into a women's bar and says to the girl bartender, " you wanna hear a blonde joke?" and the bartender says " well sir the lady next to you is a blonde weight... Slepec se svým psem vejde do baru, najde si volnou židli a objedná si drink. Chvíli sedí a pak křikne: „Hej, barmane, chceš slyšet super vtip o blondýnách?” Bar okamžitě ztichne a žena vedle slepce...
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One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next... Um bebado entra num bar la pelas tantas, chega no balcao e diz: — Bebida pra todo mundo. O pessoal aproveitou e encheram a cara por conta do bebum. O dono do bar, no fim do expediente, veio cobrar... Un ubriaco entra in un bar e dice: “Barista! Versa da bere a tutti i clienti, bevi anche tu e poi portami il conto !”. Il barista esegue e presenta il conto all’ubriaco che gli risponde: “Ma io non...
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking gingеr tom.
You could see the scars from across the room.
But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf ваlls, followed them in - a real live ostrich!
I asked the man what he wanted.
"I'll have a pint of bitter," he said.
"A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat."
The cat hissed at him.
"Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks."
Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back.
Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again.
Well, I poured them.
I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again.
I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck.
This went on for a couple of hours.
The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to кill.
The whole place got quiet.
People sat and stared, and who could blame them?
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on.
"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped.
So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers.
He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.
"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you."
"I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."
"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight рussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."
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Безброй математици влизат в един бар. Безкраен брой математици влизат в един бар. Математици An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits." Eine unendliche Anzahl Mathematiker geht in eine Bar. Der erste bestellt ein Bier, der zweite ein halbes Bier, der nächste 1/4, und so geht das eine ganze Weile weiter… Der Barkeeper zapft 2 Bier,...
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Дресьор на лъвове показва номер: на арене цирка выступает дрессировщик львов. со словами алле-гопп,... A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. В цирке. Выступает дрессировщик аллигаторов. Хищник открывает пасть, дрессировщик расстегивает ширинку и все свое хозяйство кладет в пасть аллигатору. Выступает мужик с крокодилом. Открывает крокодилу рот, кладет в него свое ``достоинство``, закрывает крокодилу рот и с размаху бьет крокодила по голове кулаком.... An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog. The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!" The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!" He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears. The crocodile opens its jaws... Un jour dans un cirque le dompteur de lion fait une démonstration à un groupe. Le dompteur descend son pantalon mais son sexe dans la bouche du lion , le lion ferme doucement sa bouche , le dompteur tape sur la tête du lion et le lion réouvre sa bouche le dompteur ressort son sexe , et demande... Dans un cirque, un homme ouvre la gueule d'un crocodile et y insère la tête. Tout le monde applaudi. "-Encore plus fort" dit il... "-Je vais y insérer mon sexe" La il tend un drap, et à travers on devine ce qu'il fait et en effet, il insère son sexe dans la gueule du crocodile qui de plus, sert... O atlético domador apresentava seu mais novo número com os leões. O domador punha os órgãos sexuais dele na boca do leão enquanto lhe aplicava fortes chicotadas. Grande sucesso. Todo mundo aplaudiu. Terminado o número, ele desafiou a plateia: — Alguém aí tem coragem de fazer a mesma coisa? Um... En man uppträdde på cirkus med en levande krokodil. Avslutningen av numret var en riktig rysare. Mannen drog ner gylfen och tog fram sin stolthet och placerade den mitt i gapet på krokodilen. Så stängde han krokodilens käft och stod alldeles stilla,... Facet w cyrku wychodzi na arenę z krokodylem. Staje na środku i kopie krokodyla w dupę. Krokodyl rozdziawił paszczę, a facet rozpina rozporek, wyciąga fiuta i kładzie krokodylowi na zęby. Potem bierze deskę i napierdala krokodyla po głowie. Krokodyl... Neue Attraktion in der Manege: Artist kommt auf die Bühne, holt seine Männlichkeit aus der Hose und steckt sie einem lebendigen Krokodil in den Rachen. Das Maul klappt zu - das Publikum hält den... Een man komt een café binnen met een krokodil. Hij gaat aan de bar zitten en legt de krokodil op de toog. "He!" roept de barman, "weg met dat beest, dat is levensgevaarlijk!" "Welnee," zegt de man,... En mann gikk inn på en pub i den australske outbacken med en krokodille under armen. Han stod opp på baren og skrek ut: «Hvis jeg stikker kødden og ballene mine inn i krokodillens munn, lar... Er komt een brede man met een grote krokodil de kroeg in lopen. Iedereen kijkt verbaast naar de krokodil en deinzen allemaal een stukje achteruit. De man zegt: “Er is geen reden om bang te zijn,... Er komt een man met een krokodil het cafe binnen en bestelt een biertje. De barkeeper ziet de krokodil en zegt: "Weg met dat beest, dat is veel te gevaarlijk." De man antwoordt: "Maar dat beest... Een man komt een café binnen met een krokodil. Hij zet het beest op de bar, trekt de kaken open, laat zijne broek zakken, doet zijn geslacht tussen de kaken van het beest en slaat vervolgens met... Komt er een brede vent de kroeg in. Met een hele grote krokodil. Iedereen valt dit meteen op en iedereen gaat dus ook aan de kant. De mensen zijn bang voor de man en voor de krokodil. waarop de man... A cirkuszban egy krokodilidomár világhírű produkcióját mutatja be. Gatyáját letolva, nem szégyellve hatalmas szerszámát, bedugja a krokodil szájába. Öklével hatalmasat üt az állat fejére, majd az... A fakír egy új mutatványt ad elő a színpadon. A közönség feszülten figyeli, miközben előveszi a nemi szervét, és beleteszi egy krokodil szájába, majd egy erőteljeset rácsap a krokodil fejére. A... Un dresor de crocodili apare in Fata unei multimi la gradina zoologica: - Si Acum dragilor o sa urmariti cat de bine e dresat acest Crocodil Infiorator! Langa el Pasea agale un monstru de crocodil.... Do baru vstoupí muž, který vede na vodítku aligátora. Postaví ho na stolek a začne vyvolávat: „Hej, vy všichni, uzavřu s váma sázku! Strčím tady tomu krokodýlovi do tlamy svoje genitálie, on... Vyksta cirko vaidinimas. Kulminacija - didžiulio dresiruoto krokodilo pasirodymas. Šviesos prigęsta, būgnai muša, dresiruotojas pasako "OLIA OP" ir krokodilas pražioja savo baisius nasrus. Tada... Cirkas. Pasirodo dresuotojas su krokodilu. Dresuotojas sušunka „OP!“ ir trenkia pagaliu krokodilui per galvą. Krokodilas išsižioja, ir dresuotojas įdeda savo organą jam į nasrus. Arenoje stovintis...
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Бай Ганьо, американецът и англичанинът си говорят кой какво подарил на жена си. Um cara compra dois presentes de Natal para suas esposa. A mulher abre o primeiro presente:,- Veja só, um par de chinelos -, diz ela, enquanto se move rapidamente para o segundo presente. - Um vibrador? -, diz ela em estado de choque.,- Sim -, responde o marido. - Assim se você não... Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself. No velho bar de sempre, os três amigos bebiam e conversavam: — Acabei de comprar um colar de ouro com brilhantes e um anel de rubi pra minha namorada — disse o primeiro deles. — Sabe como é, se ela não gostar do colar, pelo menos vai gostar do anel. — E eu acabo de comprar um celular pra minha...
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