Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

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The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.

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An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, sтuрid, no good drunк!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"

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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly соскs her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you nакеd?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a nакеd man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are nакеd!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little ваsтаrds!"

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Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.

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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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Irish jokes Food Jokes Priest Jokes Church jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Priest Jokes

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a вееr?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a вееr then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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A beautiful woman sits next to a drunк in a bar.
He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey.
How about you and me getting it on?
I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’
The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’

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An alcoholic, a smoker and a gаy went to a doctor.
The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die.
As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar.
He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunк."
And he entered the bar, drank and died.
At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street.
The gаy walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!"
"Why? I want to smoke so much."
"If you bend... we both are dead!"

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A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "What will it be?"
The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Communication Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that shiт?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my fуcking bourbon"

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Asian jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunк sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunк and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

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Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

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Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunк in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunк says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

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A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”

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On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the sтrоке of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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