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Dark Humor Jokes

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Morbid jokes
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
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Lawyer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Insurance Comedy
My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."
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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.
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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Roses are red
violets are blue
I have 5 fingers
the middle one for you.
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Funny Poems Pick-Up Lines Jokes Insult Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes
Hva var det siste som gikk gjennom hodet på prinsesse Diana før hun døde? - Dashbordet...
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The dashboard.
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Dark Humor Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes
Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to кill them!
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Dark Humor Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes
Ερωτήσεις κρίσεως... Welches ist der schnellste Weg zum Herzen eines Mannes? Durch die Brust mit einem scharfen Messer. - Jaka jest najszybsza droga do serca mężczyzny? - Przez klatkę piersiową, ostrym nożem. Hvad er den hurtigste vej til en mands hjerte? - Gennem hans bryst med en skarp kniv
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: With a knife.
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Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes
What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Not really too much, but you can't help but сrаск a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women One-Liner Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Morbid jokes
Do you remember how everyone was trying to кill Osama Bin Laden?
Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
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Dark Humor Jokes Political Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before."
The legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before."
The legless man shakes his head again.
Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fuскеd before."
The legless man says, "No."
The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"
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Blonde Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiот put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Science jokes Friendship Jokes Soccer Jokes
Q: How do you get 15,000 followers?
A: Run through Africa with a water bottle.
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Mean Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Facebook Jokes Black People Jokes Morbid jokes
One step forward, 12 floors down.
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Dark Humor Jokes
Q: Did you hear her eyes were blue?
A: Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way...
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Dark Humor Jokes
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.
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Police Officer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
Q: Did you hear the joke about an Earthquake and Japanese nuclear reactor?
A: Not cool.
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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Weather jokes Japanese Jokes
Q: How do you кill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.
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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.
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Cannibal Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
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