Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

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Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!

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I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had “Serious healthy shoes.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

Georgie is walking down the street after a sеx-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman.
An old friend sees him and says, “Georgie, you look great… you’re beautiful!”
Georgie says, “Thanks… but holy Сhrisт, did it hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut off your gеniтаls?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”
Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and suскеd out half my brain!”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes

Doctor:
"What seems to be your trouble?"
Patient:
"When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."
Doctor:
"Try getting up one hour later."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent and she was trying to find electric blankets, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
boutiques…
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg……He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”

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An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly.
Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said.
"That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.
A motel costs $20.
You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

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‘Doctor, I suffer from premature еjасulатiоn.
Can you help me?!’
‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him:
"And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered:
"45 years."
The psychiatrist said:
"Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."

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Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.

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Ollie sees his doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota: “I got a problem. I have a big воwеl movement at 6 in da morning every day.” …
…
Doctor: “That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?” …
…
Ollie: “Yah, but I don’t vake up until 7.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

My wife left for her Father's home for vacation yesterday, when I was at my office.
When I reached home, I found this note stick on the television.
I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids and these are the instructions and warnings for you....
- No need to call your friends and cousins. Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa...
2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time...
Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom?
3 - Keep your spe cs in the box..
Last time around it was found in the refrigerator.
4 - Salary already paid to maid.
No need to be extra generous.
5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not?
Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs...
And our laundry person and milkman are also different.
6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kids'...
Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work....
7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright.
No need to go to that young lady doctor again and again.
8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you have already attended.
No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday..
9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days.
So sleep early....
10 - Stop smiling and being happy... as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee...
They all w ill be out of station in this period....
11. Do not knock on the doors of that KALMUHI Priya, next door, on pretext of asking Sugar milk coffee powder or so one.
I stocked all these in kitchen cabinet. rnrnAnd last but not the least.
12 - Don't try to be oversmart.. rnI may be back any moment without informing you.

Happy vacation

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Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

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A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.
Finally, he asked the patient:
"Have you had this trouble before?"
He answered:
"Yes."
Doctor said:
"You have again got it."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Patient:
"Doctor, I feel there are two of me."
Doctor:
"Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

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An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
“I don’t understand it, Doc”, she said, “I have this terrible, terrible gas”. “Thankfully”, she added, “they are at least silent when I fаrт”.
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. “I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fаrт they are obnoxiously loud!”, she yelled.
The doctor said, “well, now that we’ve solved your hearing problem, let’s see what we can do about that gas”.

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After a year of being really ill and having multiple hospital trips the doctor finally gave me some good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.

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An elderly black man goes to see his doctor for help with his sеxuаl performance issues.
The doctor explains that Viаgrа isn't going to work this time.
The man goes back to the doctor a month later for a follow-up.
This time he is wearing a new tuxedo, shined shoes, and a top-hat.
The doctor is impressed and asks what the occasion is.
The old man says, "If I'm gonna be impotent I'm gonna look impotent!"

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Раddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the Doctor.
The Doctor says “OK, Раddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day,the eat normally for a day then skip a day, stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then”.
A fortnight later Раddy returns to the Doctor, who is amazed to see that Раddy has lost sixty pounds. “Amazing Раddy, this is far more weight loss than I would have anticipated, well done”!
Paddy replies “Well sorr, it was feckin’ torture, oi nearly taut dat oi would die on the fifth day”
The Doctor says “What from the hunger”?
Paddy replied “No sorr, from all dat feckin skippin'”

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