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A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen.
He asks her if she would like to play a game.
She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.
No one knows the answer.
So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hеll."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hеll.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hеll was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay.
She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hеll. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hеll."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?