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There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.
Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.
There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".
Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD.
All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it.
There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Веll, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between.
The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.
While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone.
After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.
Part Two:
Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California.
What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole.
Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their
own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust.
All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them.
Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.
Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name.
Part Three:
All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream.
Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuскin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dаммiт, I said I want to open a fuскin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no dамn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuскin' checking account in this dамn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this вiтсh is giving you a hard time?"
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hеll. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sеx anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed: Rich As Неll and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
Sam Frank and Frank Sam were best friends. They did everything together, and they both loved music. Sam Frank was an accomplished pianist and Frank Sam was a harpist. They spent many happy hours playing duets. They both happened to die on the same day.
Frank Sam went to heaven, but apparently Sam Frank led a life that was not as chaste, for he ended up in Неll. After a few weeks, Frank Sam began to miss his life long friend so he went to Sаinт Peter and asked if he could go down and visit him in Неll. Sаinт Peter, after much discussion agreed, but told Frank Sam he must be back before midnight. The Pearly Gates closed at the last strike of the clock, and if he wasn't back he would have to remain in Неll forever.
Frank grabbed his harp and went to visit Sam. When he got down there, he discovered that Sam Frank was doing OK in Неll. He was the manager of a disco. The two old friends had a wonderful time together. They spent the day playing duets, and that night, they danced and partied in the disco. Suddenly Frank Sam heard the clock begin to strike midnight. He ran out of the disco and flew back to heaven as fast as he could. He barely made it in before the gates closed.
Soon after he arrived, he gasped and desperately started searching for Sаinт Peter. When he found him, he told Sаinт Peter that he had to go back to Неll right away. When Sаinт Peter asked why, Frank Sam began to wail, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco..."
A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.”
“Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife.
“Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.”
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
“I have been unfaithful three times,” she says.
“Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.”
“I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks.
“The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said.
“Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.”
“Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sеxuаl sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sеxuаl sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."