Boss Jokes

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Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus 10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips 7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet" 6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?

The CEO said,"Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that gооf-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"
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Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how? Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out? Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be! Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of вееr. That is all you will need to start! Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual! Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. 1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are. FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks. DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. (Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.) 2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can. 3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this! If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you. 4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us! Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. 5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. 6) Use necktie to wipe nose. 7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirтy knife on otherwise spotless business suit. 9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. 10) Open can of вееr. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet. 11) Shout with laughter for no reason. Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry! 12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon. Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3. 13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can. 14) Sтriр off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system. 15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. 16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. 17) Cut up Ivy League degree. 18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look. 19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. 20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected. 21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether. Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner. 22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed. 23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. 24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times. 25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. 26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler. 27) Sell Porsche. 28) Buy used pickup. 29) Sell condo. 30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack. 31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. 32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. 33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes. 34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. 35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed". Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
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At a company party, the staff decided to have a little fun with their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the restroom, he left his wallet behind. They searched through it and found his lotto ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hеll, 'cos I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving!"
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From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinаl has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinаl trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to рiss on?"
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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician.
“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Al párroco le estaban haciendo su cena de despedida por 25 años de trabajo en una Parroquia. Un político miembro de la comunidad fue invitado para dar un breve discurso. Como el político tardaba en... El párroco se estaba retirando después de 25 años a cargo de la parroquia y los feligreses decidieron ofrecer una cena de despedida en su honor. Se escogió a un destacado político local, miembro de... Numa pequena cidade do interior, havia um padre muito famoso. Certo dia, ele precisou ir embora e o povo da cidade resolveu fazer uma festa para ele. O prefeito iria fazer um discurso. Quando deu o... O padre Pedro, no jantar de despedida pelos 25 anos de trabalho ininterrupto à frente de uma paróquia discursa: — A primeira impressão que tive da paróquia, foi com a primeira confissão que ouvi. A... O padre encontra-se no jantar de despedida pelos 25 anos de trabalho ininterrupto à frente de uma paróquia numa pequena cidade. E discursa: — Quando aqui cheguei e ouvi a primeira confissão de um... След 15 години служба в енорията на отец Паскуале била организирана прощална вечер в негова чест. На тази вечер бил поканен и известен политик, който трябвало да произнесе кратко, благодарствено... Градоначалникот на општината требало да одржи говор на прослава по повод 15 годишнината од службата на општинскиот свештеник. Бидејќи градоначалникот доцнел, свештеникот решил да одржи краток говор...
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Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.
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Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don’t care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can’t do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hеll should I do???
CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!*
God bless America!
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The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. 
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" 
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Веll Corporation)
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A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"
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