Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 40 lb.

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A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunк, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes

Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree.
He's been hanging there for quite a while.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"

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Sick and Death Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes

After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gаy man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gаy widower replies, "So he will вlоw my аss out one more time."

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Boycott Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

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Single People Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”

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Golf jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

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Wine jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

Rabbit:
"I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?"
Friend:
"Don't worry; be hoppy!"

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes

If a married couple in Virginia get divorced, are they still cousins?

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Redneck jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,a brick will fall down on your head and кill you.”
The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn’t hit by the brick. The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man asked the voice, “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?! And where the hеll were you when I got married?”.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes Priest Jokes Math Jokes

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, “This heerza special ‘casion - our honeymoon - and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.”
The clerk winked - “You want the ‘Bridal’?”
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, “Nope, reckon not. Guess I’ll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it.”

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes Hotel Jokes

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
2. Health nuts are going to feel sтuрid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.
3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?
9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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Science jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Doctor:
"Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband:
"Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hеll did you leave your wheelchair?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "To the kitchen."
he asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
She replies, "Sure." he then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
She says, "No, I can remember that." he then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
She says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
he replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in her voice, she says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that."
She then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs.
He stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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Food Jokes Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch реnis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

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Insult Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Secretary Jokes Restaurant Jokes

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes