Men jokes - Page 81

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s sсrеwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Military Jokes Sailor Jokes

It's not what man can create it's what man can become.

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Motivational Jokes Men jokes

Confucius say, man who fаrт in church sit in own pew.

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Men jokes Fart Jokes

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early.
Arriving home, he found his wife with another man.
Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"This I've got to hear," the Sailor said.
"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Communication Jokes Sailor Jokes

So theres this christian man and hes on top of his roof, because hes getting floded, the water is up to his ankles, and he prays to god.
Man: please god, please can you save me.
Ten minuets later a small dingy comes along and the people inside shout to him.
"If you climb on board we will save you from the flood.
Man: no god will save me, go save someone elce.
So the people in the dingy went, 10 minuets later the water rises up to his waist, and he prays again.
Man: god please can you save me from this terrible flood.
Then a small motor boat comes along and the men inside say to him:
"Come on board and we will save you"
Man: no god will save me.
Ten minuest later the water is up to the mans neck and a helicopter flys past and sees him, the send down a rope ladder for him to climb up but the man refuses and shouts up "gods gonna save me go help the others"
So the helicopter dissapears, 10 minuets later the man drowns and in heven he says to god man: god why didnt you save me?
God: well i sent 2 boats and a helicopter!

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God Jokes Men jokes Christian Jokes

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Beauty Jokes

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

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Baby Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fат in those pants!

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Flirt jokes Fat Jokes

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man. "It's my ball."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Golf jokes Nurse jokes

There are four people on an airplane. The pilot, Нiтlеr, An old man, and a young boy with a backpack. About 20 minutes into the flight the pilot runs out and yells. " The plane is going to crash! Grab a parachute and jump!" The young boy says, " But sir, there are only 3 parachutes. Not all of us will survive." All of the people look at eachother and the pilot says, " I deserve to live." So he jumps out of the plane leaving 2 parachutes and 3 people. Нiтlеr says, " I have done so much to the world. I should live." So he grabs a parachute and jumps leaving 1 parachute and 2 people. The old man squats down and says to the little boy, " Son, I have lived my life to its fullest so you take the last parachute." the little boy says, " thats okay, we still have 2 parachutes." The old man says, " How? Нiтlеr took the other one." The little boy adds, " No he didnt. Нiтlеr took my backpack.

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Men jokes Hitler Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that соw?"

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing"? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes Coffee Jokes

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

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Knock-knock jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes

A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!”
A tortoise in the back shouts, “You ваsтаrd!”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirтy; we iron-they wrinkle.

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Relationship Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunк and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shiт mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fuскing Fruit Loops."

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”

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Irish jokes Men jokes

A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load?
I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.
Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?
Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes