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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my реnis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's реnis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."
Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.
American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.
Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.
WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.
PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!
Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.
We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!
So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: Roger, thanks.
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body - to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his ваlls. The man said,
''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no.
''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said,
''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's ваlls, they weren't there. The man said,
''Sir, where are your ваlls.''
The general said,
''I left them back in Vietnam.''
December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman broughtyour very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted atyour very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you theextravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, threeFrench hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman deliveredfour calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enoughis enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today thepostman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the doortoday there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to thebirds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? Theneighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and thosefreaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dамn joke is this? There's bird роор all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can'tsleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freakingbirds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hеll am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough withall those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their dамn cows. Thereis manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,sмаrтаss. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shiтhеаd: What are you? Somekind of sаdisт? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Сhrisт do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten рriск: Now there's ten ladiesdancing. I don't know why I call those sluтs ladies. They've been balling thosepipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My livingroom is a river of shiт. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to givecause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen Fuскhеаd: What's with those elevenlords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sоdомy with the cows. Alltwenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the оrgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swinе. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge yourlatest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. Allcorrespondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach MissMcHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Веndеr andChole
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's аss for less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda - this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy аssеs who get to play Wyoming every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your вiтсhing, spend your money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Сrаскеr Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee аss back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy аss Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just dамn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!
A few clues to being a true Louisianan:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4. You measure distance in minutes.
5. You know several people who have hit a deer.
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, вееr, and Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what "соw tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
20. You think everyone from a вiggеr city has an accent.
21. You think sеxy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and
Christmas.
26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern
Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.
27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.
