Lucky MotherDucker

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

Hostile Happy Hour

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?
He got bombed.

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman broughtyour very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted atyour very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you theextravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, threeFrench hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman deliveredfour calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enoughis enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today thepostman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the doortoday there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to thebirds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? Theneighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and thosefreaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can'tsleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freakingbirds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough withall those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. Thereis manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,smartass. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shithead: What are you? Somekind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladiesdancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling thosepipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My livingroom is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to givecause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen Fuckhead: What's with those elevenlords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. Alltwenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge yourlatest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. Allcorrespondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach MissMcHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender andChole

Bathtime for Criminals

Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

The Crabby Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Classic Booty Call... Cops

The cops must be after you because it's illegal to look that good.

The Army Hospital

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

The Devil and Your Dad's Profession

Three guys die and go to Hell.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."

A.J. Jamal: Watching You

You ever go into a store, and they're watching you? Watching you . White people stealing stuff - walking out with couches, refrigerators, TVs - and all we want is a paper.

James Hannah: Something You Didn't Do

I think if you go to jail for something you didn't do, you should get credit towards another crime.