Wine jokes

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A redneck had become a major buyer of a furniture company in Alabama. The company sent him to buy some new lines of furniture in France, they gave him three days to buy the furniture. The redneck went over there on the first day and closed the deal with a furniture manufacturer, so he had two days left. He decided to go to a bistro and have some wine, he sat down had a glass and he sees a very good looking woman across the room and motions her so come over there, and the woman started to speak to him in french so put his hand up to hush her up, and he drew a picture of a wine glass and she nods her head and he orders her a glass of wine and they continue to talk this way, he then draws some food and she nods her head so they go to restaurant and he orders two plates of pasta and they continue to talk through drawing. When the redneck hears some music playing he draws a picture of two stick figures dancing, and she nods her head and they start dancing. So when they stop dancing the woman draws a picture of a four post bed, and till this day that redneck does not know how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
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OFFICIAL LIST OF РUSSУ TYPES
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1. Expensive Рussy: Most рussy falls into this definition. Expensive рussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the рussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of overlimit charges on your credit cards. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Cheap Рussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap рussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, Wants constant reassurance, wants loving constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off
.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You’re lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won’t go away, possessive, gets jealous, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding better рussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Hired Рussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired рussy and Expensive рussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don’t have to stick around, she won’t tell your girlfriend, doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive рussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap рussy in the long run, risk of disease is very high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Virgin Рussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirтy jokes and роrnо movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin рussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight “fit” if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer “other” services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause “accidents,” can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you’re into that sort of thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Nyмрhо рussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your ваlls into bed and go at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nyмрhомаniа.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Frigid рussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this рussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration)
.
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Innocent Nyмрhо рussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hеll of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Party рussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are really unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will usually not remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Nutsy Рussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to кill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
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I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
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Пощальон носи препоръчано писмо на адрес. Пощальонът звъни на вратата. A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?" Почтальон приносит заказное письмо и звонит в дверь. Дверь открывает мальчик лет восьми, попыхивающий здоровенной такой гаванской сигарой. Почтальон в изумлении выдавливает из себя: Почтальон разносит телеграммы. Звонит в дверь одной квартиры. Открывает ему пацан лет 10 - в красном шелковом халате, в одной руке - стакан виски, в другой - "Плейбой", в зубах - кубинская сигара. En herre knackar på dörren till ett hus och en liten pojke i tioårsåldern öppnar och med en tänd cigarr i munnen. Förvånad frågar herrn: - Har du mamma eller pappa hemma? Pojken tar cigarren... Egy utazó ügynök becsenget egy házba. Egy kisgyerek nyit ajtót, egyik kezében cigaretta, a másikban egy üveg pálinka. - Itthon vannak a szüleid? - kérdezi az ügynök. - Na mégis, mit gondolsz?
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Dos coches se chocan derrepente,de uno sale una mujer y del otro un hombre La mujer dice esto a sido un milagro que nos allamos chocado y no nos a pasado nada La mujer trae una botella de cerbeza y... Bir gece eve dönen bir İskoçyalı, bir İngiliz tarafından sürülen bir arabaya çarptı. İskoçyalı özür dilemek için arabadan indi ve İngilize yanındaki viskiden içmeyi teklif etti. İngiliz bir şeyler... Em uma noite chuvosa, dois carros se chocam em uma estrada. Um pertencia a um advogado, o outro a um médico. Ao sair de seu automóvel, o médico, preocupado, se dirige ao carro do advogado e... En rabbiner og en præst kommer ud for en bilulykke. Deres biler drøner Sammen og bliver fuldstændigt smadrede. Men besynderlig nok er ingen af de to mænd kommet noget til. Efter at de hver især har...
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