Jokes about Women

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Why dont women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

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Jokes about Women

T wo friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their women are.
The first guy says his wife is uglier.
The second says come with me and I’ll show you my wife.
The 2 guys head out and get to the 2nd one’s house.
The guy opens the cellar door and says” Honey could you come up here?”
She says `”Should I put the bag over my head?” And he says “No, I don’t want to fсuк you, just show you to someone.”

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Ugly Jokes

Movie Truisms 1 - 10 of 31 … … …
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1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year. …
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2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. …
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3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. …
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4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. …
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5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. …
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6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A gutteral German accent will do. …
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7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. …
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8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. …
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
Bonus: Movie bombs (or “tropes”) are always clearly labeled, with bright red digital displays that count backwards the seconds to detonation and the proper wire is cut with no more than three seconds left until Armageddon.

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Q: What do dog poo and women have in common? A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sеx though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sеx whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets nакеd and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sеx with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets nакеd, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an аsshоlе!"

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Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.

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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fат old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go giт yo Momma….”

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Several underground publications flourished during the Victorian era, where people’s sexuality was suppressed severely. They wrote some pretty good material; it just had to be hidden from the ladies and dowagers who would clutch their pearls and faint if they heard foul language or saw a man’s johnson. Come to think of it we still have Victorian holdovers 125 years later when women act like they and their sisters never fаrт.
Here is a classic limerick from Volume 2 of “The Pearl.”
There was a young lady of Gaza,
Who shaved her сunт clean with a razor;
The сrавs in a lump
Made tracks to her ruмр,
Which proceeding did greatly amaze her.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Funny Poems

A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”

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I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92

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Russia wants to decriminalise domestic abuse.
It’s a real slap in the face to women everywhere.

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Jokes about Women Russian Jokes Sexist Jokes

Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.”
“What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?”
“Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Asian jokes

A guy meets an attractive woman at a bar. After a few drinks he invites her over to his place. She answers by saying it depends on what they'll be riding in on the way over there.

He says, "I’ll give you a few hints. The chauffeur drives, the vehicle costs over $300 thousand dollars, and I’d like to surprise you with the rest of details should you decide to accept my invitation."

She happily accepted and he led her outside. She reacts, "Hey wait a minute! we’re at the bus stop!"

"Surprise!"

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The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and of course what they actually mean!)
1) “I think of you as a brother.” - You have the sеx appeal of a Franciscan monk.
2) “There is a slight difference in our ages.” - You are positively Jurassic.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - The bulge in your trousers is just not big enough.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - I’m bonking several better-looking guys already.
5) “I need some freedom to find my own space.” - I want the freedom to find someone to fill my space.
6) “I don’t date men where I work.” - I never date TWO men in the same office, because I’d get caught.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - It’s not me it’s you!
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - Boring and UN-fulfilling as my job is, it is better than dating you.
9) “I’ve decided to be celibate.”- I’m already shаgging someone else.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sеx with!
Top 10 rejection lines given by men (and what they actually mean)
1) “I think of you as a sister.” - You’re ugly.
2) “There’s a slight difference in our ages.” - You’re ugly.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - You’re ugly.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - You’re ugly.
5) “I’ve got a girlfriend.” - You’re ugly.
6) “I don’t date women where I work.” - You’re ugly.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - You’re ugly.
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - You’re ugly.
9) “I’m celibate.” - You’re ugly.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - You’re really fсuкing ugly.

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What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the вrеаsт and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your воnе in.

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Jokes about Women Rude Jokes

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"

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Why can't single women fаrт?
They don't get an аsshоlе till they get married.

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Single People Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Fat Jokes

What came first: the chicken or the egg?
The rooster
Friend : I understand how you can get Sam from Samantha, I also understand how you can get Matt from Matthew…….but how do you get Diск from Richard?!!?
Me: If you ask nicely!!…….:D
Premature Еjасulатiоn: The Movie
Coming soon.
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure!
Q: Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
Q: What’s common between men and video player?
A: Both go backward…forward.backward…forward…stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn’t come means You are FUСКЕD…

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