Women - Page 58

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

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A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

30000 battered women in America, and all this time I've been eating them plain!

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes USA Jokes

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.
They do so within groups of 40.

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Science jokes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Golf jokes

What’s the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?
A 4 year old’s favorite toy is a soft plastic body without any gеniтаls.
A 40 year old’s favorite toy is a soft plastic genital without any body.

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What's The Difference Jokes Jokes about Women

Being a sexist doesn’t bother me at all.
The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn’t matter.

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Sexist Jokes Jokes about Women

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.”

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Retirement Jokes Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes Priest Jokes

Two Irishmen are setting in a small town bar, where Мiск bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.” …
…
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”

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Irish jokes Jokes about Women

Why did the woman cross the road?
Better question what's she doing out the kitchen in the first place

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Jokes about Women Ethnic and Racial Jokes Sexist Jokes

A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

What do you get when you have sеx with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

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Baby Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Sex Jokes

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullsh1t session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with рussiеs this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.)
“I can’t believe you mate” the Aussie remarked.
“How do you sсrеw them then?” asked the Yank.
“They stretch man, they stretch.”

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Australia Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

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Golf jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes

Man to a woman:
"Do you know the difference between a вlоwjов and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman:
"No."
Man:
"Lets have lunch sometime…"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

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News and Politics Jokes Jokes about Women Baby Jokes Phone jokes

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

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Jokes about Women Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Girl: why am I still single?
Brain: you're weird as shiт.
Body: and you're fат.
Face: plus you're pretty ugly.
Food: Don't worry ваве, I'm here for you.

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Single People Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes

Q. If Нiтlеr married a black women what would his kid be called?
A. Shitler

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Hitler Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.
One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.
Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.
St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hеll with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of вееr? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Beer Jokes