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“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
—George Carlin
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I’m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for роrn.
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When told the reason for daylight savings time the Old Indian said, “Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket.”
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Originality is the art of concealing your source
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‘During sеx, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’
Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.
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“Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head.”
- John. F. Kennedy
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I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed….I’m always ready for bed.
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When a girl describes herself as “not like other girls”, I just assume she doesn’t have a vаginа.
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“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how sтuрid they are or how superior I am to them.”
Steve Martin
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I’m thinking of starting a nationwide chain of sреrм banks. (You know, those banks that take deposits and the customer loses interest.) .. I have my business model ready and a snazzy name. …
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I’ll be calling each bank …”Get a load of this guy.”
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“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream ?” ~ George Carlin
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Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.
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I’m so tired,,,the Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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When someone says to me great minds think alike.
I just look at them and think, ‘you dirтy ваsтаrd’.
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You don’t know how much some one is worth to you until you sell them.
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“There’s something I like about the сliтоris, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” ~ George Carlin
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The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to роор as soon as you get out of the shower.
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