A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living. The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor."
The first neighbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor responds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires. "Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds."And you have children too, right?" says the professor."Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor."So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor."Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday."What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend."
Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gаy!"
It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sеx in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay."
And he said, "Но hо hо, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."
So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."
And he replied, "Но hо hо, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."
So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."
And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"
Sеx Contract
SEX CONTRACTI, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirтy looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of heretofore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity. Signed, _____________________________________ Fornicator At Large
The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl. After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was.
He said, "Shree Hill."Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."
Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."
Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill."
At a southern university, students in the psychology program attend their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"